Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There is so little food in my house right now I think I saw some ants putting together a grocery list.

   Don't you just want to write on some people's Facebook wall "you peaked in High School".?

   I'm not saying your opinion is stupid, I'm just saying you're stupid for having it

   OK I get the "Deaf Child Area" sign .. but how the heII am l suupposed to know which kid it is?

   I have watched CSI, NCIS, Law and Order, Lie To Me, Criminal Minds and Unusual Suspects. I can kill you 18 ways with a paperclip and not leave forensic evidence.

   Don't you love when people tell you 'don't tell anyone' the next day, after you told people.

   can't wait in 60 years to see what senior citizens will look like in jordans, timberlands with the pants that hang to there ankles and the shirt thats 13 times too big.

   I'm up way too early for someone who wasn't planning on seizing the day.

   Another long day at the office. Well, for someone. I was home on the couch watching TV all day.

   You know that you are broke when your bologna has no first name.

   when I was a kid I always wanted to see the face of the fat lady in "Tom & Jerry"

   Everytime I enter a porta potty I feel like I have to confess my sins..

   These dating sites keep setting me up with weirdos, then I realized that they match you with people with similar interests.

   You say I'm dirty minded but how did you understand what I meant?

   It was better back when you could look under a bottle cap and see you won instantly, rather than this entering a code online thing they have now. I want to look under the cap and see "YOU WON!" instead of ED34GH....

   Are a bag of Skittles considered a serving of fruit? If so, I'm eating healthy today.

   hopes that when the machines rise up against humanity, his toaster remembers all the good times.

   If I place a call that is being recorded for quality assurance and training purposes, I make sure to say mother%#&@er alot.

   If you want to know where your heart is, look to where your mind goes when it wonders.

   It may take a village to raise a child. But it only takes one condom to save them the hassle.