Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Are you on a date with me or with your phone? Just make sure that phone pays your share of this bill by the end of the night.

   Just spent the last 30 minutes cutting a Batman mask off the back of a box of Honey Nut Cheerios & my kid thinks he’s gonna get to wear it.

   Top uses for Golf Balls: 1. Describing hail storms... 2. Describing tumors... 3. Playing golf

   My resume is basically a list of things I hate to do.

   I miss the good old days before social media when adults acted like four year olds in private.

   Why are clothes so expensive? I shouldn't have to pay so much to not be naked. Other people should pay me not to be naked.

   They say men think about sex every 7 seconds, so when I eat a hotdog I try to finish it in 6 seconds so it doesn’t get awkward.

   Answering your cell when you don't recognize the number is like picking up a hitchhiker.

   My parents walking in on me & my wife having sex was bad enough without the high five from Dad, or Mom telling me to "put my hips into it".

   You can carry anything in a fanny pack except self respect.

   Objects in the selfie are way sadder than they appear.

   Possible "Breaking Amish" sequels:.. #1:Friday Night Without Lights... #2:That 1870's Show... #3:The Big Barn Theory...#4:Not-Modern Family

   As a child, I used to play with an imaginary man who lived in a well. He'd be all, "Please, I'm not imaginary!" and I'd just laugh and laugh

   I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.

   *whispers* ...and here we have a teen loading a washer with clothes--unprovoked... A rare sight, seldom witnessed outside captivity.

   I was worried because I heard a beep and didn't know if it was my cell, iPod, Wii, Skype, Facebook, email, Twitter or TV. Thank God it was just the fire alarm.

   According to this bathroom stall,,, my ex changed her number again.

   My dad's TV volume is always set at "screw the neighbors".

   Facebook: "Do you want to tag Jennifer in this Picture?" Me: Hmmmm. does it make her look fat? Then yes, yes I do.

   I am looking forward to the day when a figure skater is brave enough to come out as openly straight