Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you want to know whether you are ready to marry the one you are with, first ask yourself these two important questions. (1) Is this the best I can do? (2) Is this as good as it will ever get? If your answer to both questions is positive, then go ahead

   Why do I always crave Chick-Fil-A on Sunday and Outback Steaks at lunch time?

   I thank, therefore you're welcome.

   throwing a party. If you can catch it, you can attend it!

   Kansas "Dust in the Wind" came on the air while I was looking for a Frozen Dinner for ONE. God wants me Dead!

   I got some mail yesterday that says, "Tiime-Sensitive Material Enclosed." So I guess I gotta keep it away from clocks...

   Walked into 5 spider webs during my evening walk, so 5 times I pantomimed putting out a flaming ski mask.

   When someone can't pick you up, it's easier to call them weak than to admit that you're fat.

   You know your Old, When they discontinue your blood type.,

   sitting here watching out the window as the neighbor kids are finding the "chocolate" eggs I put out.. they came out great. Ex-lax was alot harder to mold than I thought it was gonna be...

   I would've went to the wedding just to wear one of those cool hats...

   It's Friday the 13th! Want to get lucky?

   Money=Problems So Problems=Time Time=money=Girls therefor Girls=problems

   Dear Liver, I'm sorry I abused you this weekend. My drinking habits have caused you pain a damage once again. I will make it up to you by not drinking for at least a week or until someone offers me a drink. Please don't be mad at me and continue to functi

   Rain on a Monday, in spite of the fact we need the rain, is unacceptable. Mother Nature will be hearing from my attorney.

   Obviously what I was trying in the past wasn't working. So I'm doing the opposite. "My name is Andrew. I'm unemployed and I live off borrowing money from people."

   My girlfriend called me sad because I always plan things months in advance. That's her off my Christmas card list!

   Florida: Those computerized hurricane forecast models are ridiculous. You could give a 4 year old a map and a crayon, and they'd come up with something almost as inaccurate.

   Stop hating, quit judging, initiate living, start loving.

   You keep me humble, you catch my stumble and you never let me crumble!