Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   there's always that one person who takes a few minutes to get the joke...

   Life is Great, if it was any better, I would have to charge myself admission!

   things you would say to your computer but not to your girlfriend ? - next year I'm getting a new model ..

   Just saw the tums commercial with the corn dog smacking the guy in the face. It would be much better if it was the girl getting smacked with the corn dog.

   I understand I only pay $50 a month, but think you can "BOOST" my signal so I can get service

   writing about music is like dancing about architecture

   If you want to know whether you are ready to marry the one you are with, first ask yourself these two important questions. (1) Is this the best I can do? (2) Is this as good as it will ever get? If your answer to both questions is positive, then go ahead

   Why do I always crave Chick-Fil-A on Sunday and Outback Steaks at lunch time?

   I thank, therefore you're welcome.

   throwing a party. If you can catch it, you can attend it!

   Kansas "Dust in the Wind" came on the air while I was looking for a Frozen Dinner for ONE. God wants me Dead!

   I got some mail yesterday that says, "Tiime-Sensitive Material Enclosed." So I guess I gotta keep it away from clocks...

   Walked into 5 spider webs during my evening walk, so 5 times I pantomimed putting out a flaming ski mask.

   When someone can't pick you up, it's easier to call them weak than to admit that you're fat.

   You know your Old, When they discontinue your blood type.,

   sitting here watching out the window as the neighbor kids are finding the "chocolate" eggs I put out.. they came out great. Ex-lax was alot harder to mold than I thought it was gonna be...

   I would've went to the wedding just to wear one of those cool hats...

   It's Friday the 13th! Want to get lucky?

   Money=Problems So Problems=Time Time=money=Girls therefor Girls=problems

   Dear Liver, I'm sorry I abused you this weekend. My drinking habits have caused you pain a damage once again. I will make it up to you by not drinking for at least a week or until someone offers me a drink. Please don't be mad at me and continue to functi