Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "And when there was only one set of footprints, that was when I was off hiring a more talented quarterback to replace you" - God to Tebow

   I really enjoy running geese over in my car. It gives me goose bumps!

   how do you make 5 lbs of fat look good? Put a nipple on it!

   me without you is like- pepsi without cans, pedophiles without vans, Jersey Shore without tans.

   I have a ton of children's book ideas. Has anyone ever done an uplifting tale about a kitten on the Titanic?

   at 8:45 pm , facebook had an EPIC FAIL

   How do I explain to a coworker, that she is not a size 6…that EVERY pair of pants she wears she has a Camel Toe…and EVERYONE has noticed!

   taking a laxative and going to bed, i'm tired

   Wearin glasses does'nt mean ur smart, it jus means you cant see...

   Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain

   Awesome how America is called the Land of the free yet is built on the anhilation of American Indians and the enslavement of African and Indian people. Dimwits who dont know their own history.

   I have more respect for the toilet paper I just wiped my ass with than I do for Donald Trump.

   A 70-year-old man who watches TV for eight hours a day, plays lots of golf, and always seems to be in Florida is a retiree, not a President.

   Pick a number, double it, add 10, divide it by 2, then minus it by the number you started with. LIKE if you got 5

   What a tortured soul... He never really figured out what Willis was talking about....

   Wow, I just heard Lady GaGa has hired people to find the remains of Bin Laden, she needs somthing to wear in her next video

   Big Shout-out !!!,,, to Whitney Houston as she celebrates one year of sobriety today

   There's been a Boeing 777 in my backyard since March 8th, anybody missing an airplane?

   multiculturalization?? more like Islamization.

   got thrown out of a casino last night... apparently I completely misunderstood the crap table!