Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The kids wanted to go somewhere expensive~so I told them to get their piggybanks and we went to the gas station.....they didn't think it was as funny as I did....

   I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper

   went to see the planet of the apes movie. and I be damned if I didnt see a classmate from high school in the movie

   Trying to get the taste of Weed and Hooker Spit out of my mouth.

   I always mean it as a compliment but I've found that some parents get a little pissed off when you describe their children as "do-able."

   If you like mine, I'll like yours. Status people...talking STATUS!

   We should feed tuna fish mayonnaise, thereby saving a step in the sandwich making process.

   Remember Ladies, blojobs are flowers for men.

   "And when there was only one set of footprints, that was when I was off hiring a more talented quarterback to replace you" - God to Tebow

   I really enjoy running geese over in my car. It gives me goose bumps!

   how do you make 5 lbs of fat look good? Put a nipple on it!

   me without you is like- pepsi without cans, pedophiles without vans, Jersey Shore without tans.

   I have a ton of children's book ideas. Has anyone ever done an uplifting tale about a kitten on the Titanic?

   The Mars rover captured Ted Cruz as its first image on Mars.

   "Oh wow, it's a fruit cake! I'm going to eat some of it right now" ...said no one ever.

   Apparently "whiskey and wild women" is not an acceptable answer when asked what your weaknesses are during a job interview.

   A 70-year-old man who watches TV for eight hours a day, plays lots of golf, and always seems to be in Florida is a retiree, not a President.

   Awesome how America is called the Land of the free yet is built on the anhilation of American Indians and the enslavement of African and Indian people. Dimwits who dont know their own history.

   I have more respect for the toilet paper I just wiped my ass with than I do for Donald Trump.

   Pick a number, double it, add 10, divide it by 2, then minus it by the number you started with. LIKE if you got 5