Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ding Dong Kim Jong is Dead

   Women with 50 pairs of $500 shoes but no 5-year plan will never be sexy.

   I about to start deleting and blocking a whole lot of people who lied about being interesting.

   I looked at you and all I could see was perfection, you looked at me and in your eyes I was a rejection.

   Diet = Damn I eat that ?

   Ohhh, you wanted an iPad? I thought you said pet rock, dang

   For my birthday I got a pimp chalice (coffee mug), a jet pack (soda maker) and a Samurai sword (pen). Never give up on your dreams, people.

   middle of the night and in my boring backyard. No gold to dig up and no dead bodies to bury...sigh

   in TIME OUT because riding the dog like it's a Small Horse is frowned upon in this establishment...

   I love "me" so much, my Dr gave me a nice jacket that helps me hug myself!

   I like to drink before I go to the movies, it loosens me up so I can talk to the people around me.

   Who is this Harold Camping retard? Why do people pay him and his mental illness so much attention? Why isn't he locked up in a loony house with other loonies?

   I was a bit upset when I first saw you with him, but as you got closer I laughed because he is so ugly.

   Don't claim somebody that isn't claiming you! There are a lot of women in a relationship with a single man.

   kids have to be confused by halloween...rest of the year ur not supposed to talk to strangers or accept anything from strangers...on halloween you say "trick or treat" to a stranger & accept their candy

   We always want the best man to win an election, Unfortunately, he never runs.

   It doesn't matter what race, color, creed, or gender you are; we're all Recycled.

   Just learned that spraying Febreze into my mouth to chase a shot of vodka causes me to say "Heavens to Betsy!" a lot while I do a crazy jig.

   I've finally figured out why they're called 'payslips'.... the 'pay' just 'slips' right through your fingers!!! :(

   Drinking till I'm Someone else's Problem.