Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I saved a lot of money this Christmas by switching to single....

   that lesbo teacher from Glee would be more believable as Jack Reacher than Tom Cruise. At least she's 6'3"!!

   Never say never? False. You just said it twice.

   Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place and they are good to go

   I've been practicing making sandwiches with handcuffs on because I like to be prepared.

   Lance Armstrong admitted to Oprah he was Manti Te'o's fake girlfriend.

   The most embarrassing thing for Lance Armstrong is admitting he took performance-enhancing drugs to ride around on a children's toy.

   This Jack n Coke tastes like assault charges.

   I hate when a stranger smiles at me and I have to smile back and pretend I'm not dead inside.

   I wish that stupid meteorite would have hit my place of work during my day off.

   Hey Jonah,,, Next time you’re swallowed by a whale, stand up through the blowhole like it’s a sunroof on a limo. Throw your arms up. Have some fun.

   this Mexican guy asked me if I'd seen his beach but we're 300 miles from the ocean...

   what's Irish and lives on your porch? Paddy O'furniture

   Silence is golden. Too bad nobody is buying.

   Beauty and the Beast is my favorite fairy tale about beastiality

   With great power comes great difficulty in factorizing the polynomial.

   There's 5 words in the English language that gets everyone defensive, protective and nervous..... those words are "Can I see your phone?"......

   Thanks Iron Chef America. Ever since hot dogs were the secret ingredient my husband thinks he's Bobby effing Flay…

   Sick of seeing photos of everyone's food? Post a few of your meals on their walls...post digestion.

   Maybe this Chick-Fil-A thing was just a big misunderstanding...Where's Rodney King when you need him..