Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My boyfriend is walking out on me because of my obsession with Call of Duty. It's okay, he won't get far. I put a claymore by the door.

   The guy who said "It's better to have loved and lost" never accidentally washed his jeans wit his weed still in his pocket

   Monday sure is an awful way to spend 1/7th of our life......

   Dear children,stop wondering what I am. I'm a star! You just said it like two seconds ago. Sincerely, Twinkle Twinkle

   One time I was in a car giving directions to a gay driver. Things got awkward when I told him to go straight.

   How's your Pagan/christian-Inspired, Secular Winter, Gift-giving, Observance Day shopping going?

   (Oh) = Stop talking to me. (K) = I'm done talking. (Whatever) = f*ck you. (Fine) = f*ck it. (I guess) = I don't give a f*ck.

   I can sponsor a child for $.79 a day, but it costs me $2.99 a minute to chat with my "special friend"! Sorry poor, starving children. Its a tough economy so daddy needs his sexy talk.

   Sex,Drugs & Sausage Rolls.

   did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite.. all he wanted to do was Eat, Drink and be Mary

   Everybody poops, but not everyone washes their hands........ I'm just Saying.

   ( ̲̅:̲̅:̲̅:̲̅[̲̅ ̲̅]̲̅:̲̅:̲̅:̲̅ )

   Governor Chris Christie ran his pie hole for 2 hours, that explains the warmer weather!

   Man found hanged in his flat, 8 years after committing suicide. Sort of proves his point, really

   R acism is the logical and direct consequence of ignorance, stupidity, illiteracy, and unreasonable fear.

   If they made a movie ,you know who would make a good Obama? Morgan Freeman. Not because they look alike but because Morgan never did a damn thing for America either.

   Sorry that Ruth Bader Ginsburg clocked out. But the bright spot is we get to see a white funeral for a change.

   I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over

   Anytime a bird takes a crap on my car, I eat an entire plate of scrambled eggs on my porch. Just to show the birds what I'm capable of.

   i have nothing against god, it's just his fan club that i'm against