Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I tried to take a photo of a huge bug in my bathroom, but when I put a coin next to it for scale IT TOOK THE COIN AND PUT IT IN ITS WALLET.

   Where's Heat Miser when you need him?

   Peyton Manning was just seen buying Marijuana from some dude out in the parking lot. . .

   In spite of world wide outrage, I'd bet if Copenhagen Zoo sold tickets and pay per view the next time they feed a giraffe to a lion, it will be their biggest sell out event of all time.

   Your restraining order isn't going to keep me from eating the hair off your brush.

   So I'm at antiques roadshow getting competitive and sweaty, letting everyone in line cut in front of me so my stuff will be older when I get to the front.

   Huck this is an intervention "ok to who's wedding" no thats an invitation "aliens?!" thats an invasion "how--" HUCK YOU NEED TO GET A DICTIONARY

   i think the guy standing next to me has given up on life, I can tell because he is barefoot at a Wal-Mart urinal..

   I’m sorry I didn’t listen to your voicemail I was too busy walking my dinosaur.

   The Red sox need "Just for men" for their beards!

   No Officer, that's medicinal gasoline and matches.

   Yeah,, I could just roll in this bar and announce that I'm Thor's brother,, but I'm just gonna keep it Loki tonight.

   Decided I wanted solid abs this year for Christmas. Bought all solid milk chocolate Santas instead of hollow ones.

   The Mayans are predicting this year for Dec.21 chilly air will settle into the region, ahead of a storm system forecast to move up from the South.

   My New Years resolution is to throw my hands up in the air......but this year I vow to wave them all around like I just don't care..

   2014 you had your up and downs.. 2015 I'm to old for rollercoasters

   I just walked right up to him, put my finger over his lips saying 'shhhh.' That hobo was going to cuddle whether he wanted to or not.

   I can't believe Katy Perry's date wasn't Left Shark!

   My Roomba just beat me to a Cheeto I dropped on the flow & this is how the war against machines begins.

   Iggy Azalea is hip hop for teens that still get put in timeout.