Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Daylight Savings is a German idea, circa 1895. I guess the world figured, "None of Germany's other Ideas has turned out bad, so why not?"

   says people with children always ask when you're having children like they get points for recruiting to their club of misery.

   Image makeover idea #1: Haiti should rename itself Likey.

   *Looks at Olive Garden menu.... "Waiter?,, Up up down down left right left right B A"... Waiter: "Unlimited breadsticks, coming right up"

   I can never remember if it's water or coffee that fights a hangover. Or sleep. Or sex. Or bacon? F cuk, math is hard.

   My neighbor has a toilet marked "FREE" on his front lawn. Either offering a free used potty or he's part of the Toilet Liberation Army.

   A 16-year-old kid got on an airplane in San Jose, but he didn't really get on. He just climbed up into the landing gear on a flight to Hawaii. At JetBlue that's business class.

   Found out the difference between onions and men. I don't cry when I'm chopping up men.

   Well, it's 12:30pm and I have seven dollar bills to my name. I guess it's that age old question: Lunch? Or Lotto scratchers.

   I like Carrie Underwood better on Sunday night football

   I had to go on a second diet. The one wasn't giving me enough food.

   I tried to take a photo of a huge bug in my bathroom, but when I put a coin next to it for scale IT TOOK THE COIN AND PUT IT IN ITS WALLET.

   Where's Heat Miser when you need him?

   Peyton Manning was just seen buying Marijuana from some dude out in the parking lot. . .

   In spite of world wide outrage, I'd bet if Copenhagen Zoo sold tickets and pay per view the next time they feed a giraffe to a lion, it will be their biggest sell out event of all time.

   Your restraining order isn't going to keep me from eating the hair off your brush.

   Iggy Azalea is hip hop for teens that still get put in timeout.

   Only way I'm having sex for 3 hours is if we taking a nap for the first 2hrs 56 min

   Stephen King's son is named Joe. I'm not joking, he is.

   This is getting serious folks .... According to a report in Washington Post unnamed sources in the CIA are reporting that according to hacked e-mails, Vladimir Putin was the second gunman on the grassy knoll.