Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The very moment I can imagine a really hot girl taking a dump, is the very second I'm no longer attracted to her

   The scoreboard reads Manchester United - 8 Arsenal - Who?

   Sometimes when an attractive woman starts talking to me I forget how to speak and just start doing lunges.

   D*CK-RID·ING² [dik,rahy-ding] - noun. The Act of Continuously OVER-praising an individual, with intentions of being noticed.

   if you don't have a job on Labor day, celebrate by finding a job.

   Yesterday it was fish, shrimp, and crabs. Tonight I'm just fishing for compliments.

   Dear U.S. Government, I was just wondering if I can get my tax return in advance. I would use my credit cards but theyr'e maxed out and I am currently unemployed. Regards, everyday U.S. citizen.

   Trophies aren't meant to be put on a shelf, so sometimes I let my wife leave the house just to show off a little.

   Yes! schools are closing b/c of bad weather damn I forgot I have online Class???

   If she's the best I've ever had, then she's the best I've had yet.

   took an Ambien and a laxative before going to bed....i'll let you know who won in the morning.....

   You must be this -^- tall to ride the Rapture!

   Its my policy never to date people who just broken up coz the chances of them going back to their ex are too great to ignore leaving me all alone looking like a schmuck.

   what you're awesome at black ops? wow, dedication and no life right there

   My car smells like if you were somehow able to get inside a potato.

   have you ever noticed that the saying is 'smoking weed affects your memory'- yet you can never forget that single fact?

   So I'm at antiques roadshow getting competitive and sweaty, letting everyone in line cut in front of me so my stuff will be older when I get to the front.

   Huck this is an intervention "ok to who's wedding" no thats an invitation "aliens?!" thats an invasion "how--" HUCK YOU NEED TO GET A DICTIONARY

   i think the guy standing next to me has given up on life, I can tell because he is barefoot at a Wal-Mart urinal..

   I’m sorry I didn’t listen to your voicemail I was too busy walking my dinosaur.