Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The scoreboard reads Manchester United - 8 Arsenal - Who?

   Sometimes when an attractive woman starts talking to me I forget how to speak and just start doing lunges.

   D*CK-RID·ING² [dik,rahy-ding] - noun. The Act of Continuously OVER-praising an individual, with intentions of being noticed.

   if you don't have a job on Labor day, celebrate by finding a job.

   Yesterday it was fish, shrimp, and crabs. Tonight I'm just fishing for compliments.

   Dear U.S. Government, I was just wondering if I can get my tax return in advance. I would use my credit cards but theyr'e maxed out and I am currently unemployed. Regards, everyday U.S. citizen.

   Trophies aren't meant to be put on a shelf, so sometimes I let my wife leave the house just to show off a little.

   Yes! schools are closing b/c of bad weather damn I forgot I have online Class???

   If she's the best I've ever had, then she's the best I've had yet.

   took an Ambien and a laxative before going to bed....i'll let you know who won in the morning.....

   You must be this -^- tall to ride the Rapture!

   Its my policy never to date people who just broken up coz the chances of them going back to their ex are too great to ignore leaving me all alone looking like a schmuck.

   what you're awesome at black ops? wow, dedication and no life right there

   My car smells like if you were somehow able to get inside a potato.

   have you ever noticed that the saying is 'smoking weed affects your memory'- yet you can never forget that single fact?

   Stephen King's son is named Joe. I'm not joking, he is.

   A cup of coffee so strong it doesn’t just pick me up, it reenacts the lift scene from Dirty Dancing.

   "Good people don't go into goverment." D.J.T.

   Well .... Apparently a few Community Organizers got a bit out of hand in Dallas .....

   This is getting serious folks .... According to a report in Washington Post unnamed sources in the CIA are reporting that according to hacked e-mails, Vladimir Putin was the second gunman on the grassy knoll.