Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Val Kilmer really was the best Batman." ~Nobody, not even Val Kilmer

   I don't hate you! I just hope your next period happens in a shark tank...

   I love wanking in the shower but I've been told that if I do it again, they're gonna revoke my gym membership.

   I don't care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I'll give it back for Christmas.

   States that issue Food Stamps should also legalize marijuana, They just go hand and hand

   Two cars crashed into each other in Mexico. 57 Dead.,

   Nicholas Cage is the Nickleback of actors.

   Bacon is bacon; eggs is eggs; dont let them boys between your legs; they'll say your cute; they'll say your fine; 9 months later they'll say it ain't mine.

   "We Found Love in a Swollen Face" by Rihanna ft. Chris Brown

   Carrie Fisher had information to get Hillary arrested. But just in case Hillary's people got to her, she passed along the info to her mom.

   thinks it would really help Jennifer Anniston's career if she would star in a few romantic comedies.

   ***WARNING*** The National Weather Service has issued a Falling Bird Warning for Chicago on Sunday. Falling Seahawks could be heavy at times especially around the Soldier Field area. Heavy accumulation is likely!

   N.A.S.A. found water on Mars. Good thing they didn't find oil otherwise Mars might become the first terrorist planet.

   So you can get up early to go shopping on Black Friday but you can't get up early on Sunday to go to church.

   "Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or fattening."

   I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use. 

   Casey Anthony just landed a new job as Obama's new abortion czar.

   There is no logical reason why summer shorts should cost the same as long pants.

   Praise be unto Jesus,, owned so epically on the Cross so that we may not be similarly Owned & who on the 3rd day turned Epic Fail to epic Win

   Coffee so black it drop out of high school