Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Did anyone ever tell those kids how to get to sesame street?

   Can you imagine what the Clapper would have acted like in the Three Stooges House... a strobe light?

   I didn't win the lotto. So I guess I have to return the Lamborghini

   A few of you are upset with me for not removing my facial hair. Not sure why because your not the ones kissing me on the lips. But I am willing to make a compromise. So I will be removing some hair on my right a$$ cheek just in case.

   My imaginary boyfriend just cheated on me

   Just held up an Etsy store. Made off with 37 woven hemp bracelets, a crappy candle and $1.54 in cash.

   Don't you worry your pretty stripped head we're gonna get you back to Tyson and your cozy tiger bed. And they we're gonna find our bestfriend Doug and then we're gonna give him a bestfriend hug.

   it just her or did anyone else thing we would be living like the Jetsons in 2010?!

   There will be no Groundhog Day. I have Punxsutawney Phil in my sights, and I am slowly squeezing the trigger...

   Hey look! I am invisible!

   I was asked if i'd volunteer for Comic Relief at work. All i'd have to do is wear funny clothes,answer the phone,write a few notes,chat and joke with others and eat junk food. Of course I said "Yes". Who wouldnt want to be like their boss for just one day

   Life is like a kernel of corn. You'll go through some $hit, only to come out clean in the end.

   The winner of the rat race is still a rat.

   working on my taxes and has come to the conclusion that taxation WITH respresentation is not that great either...

   Telepath wanted...you know where to apply.

   Do your best to limit the number of boundaries you set in life. Not everything you're looking for lies within that yellow tape.

   going outside to walk around in circles....cause thats how I stroll.

   Support your local record store today, because you can't roll a joint on a download b*tches.

   Conan O'Brien was on 60 Minutes this weekend . Jay Leno appeared 30 minutes in to take over due to 60 minutes "losing viewers and profits."

   Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife....