Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Did anyone ever tell those kids how to get to sesame street?

   Can you imagine what the Clapper would have acted like in the Three Stooges House... a strobe light?

   I didn't win the lotto. So I guess I have to return the Lamborghini

   A few of you are upset with me for not removing my facial hair. Not sure why because your not the ones kissing me on the lips. But I am willing to make a compromise. So I will be removing some hair on my right a$$ cheek just in case.

   My imaginary boyfriend just cheated on me

   Just held up an Etsy store. Made off with 37 woven hemp bracelets, a crappy candle and $1.54 in cash.

   Don't you worry your pretty stripped head we're gonna get you back to Tyson and your cozy tiger bed. And they we're gonna find our bestfriend Doug and then we're gonna give him a bestfriend hug.

   it just her or did anyone else thing we would be living like the Jetsons in 2010?!

   There will be no Groundhog Day. I have Punxsutawney Phil in my sights, and I am slowly squeezing the trigger...

   Hey look! I am invisible!

   I was asked if i'd volunteer for Comic Relief at work. All i'd have to do is wear funny clothes,answer the phone,write a few notes,chat and joke with others and eat junk food. Of course I said "Yes". Who wouldnt want to be like their boss for just one day

   Life is like a kernel of corn. You'll go through some $hit, only to come out clean in the end.

   The winner of the rat race is still a rat.

   repairing his/her wall. Thanks Kool Aid Man.

   The skeletons in my closet have requested a walk in!!!

   Mistakes are made from time to time. Without them, most of us would have never been born.

   I'm one click of the mouse away from taking over the world. HA, HA, HA......

   I'm not opposed to gay marriage.... I saw two women kissing in public the other day and I thought “man, that takes balls!”

   Wyclef Jean to run for President of Haiti. That would be cool. Then he could totally start a band called The ReFugees.

   Every since I bought this shake weight . I'm putting way too much salt on my food!!