Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The only thing more stressful than a blind date is meeting a new drug dealer for the first time

   Facebook just suggested that I "like" the exact beer brand I'm drinking right now. Currently searching my home for hidden cameras and plotting my escape.

   Unbelievable. Rodney King has to die before the world found out he owned a pool.

   Two Facebook addicts walk into a bar. One turns to the other and says.................NOTHING,, cause he's just staring down at his phone

   When covertly referencing your bathroom necessities, instead of using 'number 1 or number 2', we should say "I have to R2D2 or C3peeO"

   Someone just used my dead end street to turn around and now I'm standing outside with two open beers and a lonely face :(

   MY Grocery Store is so environmetally conscience it doesnt give paperbags anymore- jsut plastic...OH but they still havent figured out howNOT to give a 3 ft receiept for buying jsut a loaf of bread!!!!!!!!!!!!!

   Why do people with bad breath always have to tell me a damn secrets???

   Roses are red, violets are fine, I'll be the six if you be the nine

   Just once on Cops, Id like to see a shirtless criminal try to skip away from the cops instead of running

   How long do you have to wear a soul patch before your cravings for souls goes away completely?

   According to maxipad commercials, all women are full of winshield washer fluid...please do not sit on the hood of a mans car...

   Maybe you should eat makeup so you can be pretty on the inside, bi**ch!

   I just saw what looked like a menstruating raccoon "Planking" while a crow scratched her back,,,, How cute!! I should take a picture..

   Did anyone ever tell those kids how to get to sesame street?

   Can you imagine what the Clapper would have acted like in the Three Stooges House... a strobe light?

   I didn't win the lotto. So I guess I have to return the Lamborghini

   A few of you are upset with me for not removing my facial hair. Not sure why because your not the ones kissing me on the lips. But I am willing to make a compromise. So I will be removing some hair on my right a$$ cheek just in case.

   My imaginary boyfriend just cheated on me

   Just held up an Etsy store. Made off with 37 woven hemp bracelets, a crappy candle and $1.54 in cash.