Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm high tolerance and low maintenance. What more could you ask for in a girlfriend?

   I hate it when I invite people and they actually show up.

   Playing with my hair will get you anything you want.

   By the time most women are comfortable with their bodies, I'm not.

   There are the same number of people on Facebook today as there were people in the whole world in 1804

   What doesnt kill you......seriously disappoints me!

   Women, give them an inch and they'll want all eight.

   All alcohol will make my clothes fall off... tequila just makes that happen in public.

   Some days, the best thing about my job is that the chair spins.

   I really don't understand how a dog can eat it's own vomit, lick his own butt, eat all his shi t and be fine and then they eat half a candy bar and die.

   I don't like it here anymore. As soon as I find my pants, I'm leaving!

   I think it's safe to say that my 2 year old is definitely more excited to see the fire truck next door than my neighbor.

   Hey person calling from a blocked number, I'm not answering...... Ever.

   You only get eight or nine chances with me. That's it.

   The only thing more amusing than someone leaving a voicemail is them asking if you actually listened to it.

   If you leave the sexual innuendo door open even the slightest bit I will come crashing through it like the Kool Aid Man.

   If those Febreeze commercials with rooms filled with stinking, rotting garbage convince you to buy their product. Here's a heads up for you........ You need to clean your freaking house!!!

   Looking back, I probably shouldn't have put my neighbors panties in my garage sale...

   You know that look that women get when they want to have sex? Me neither.

   If you love something let it go. Great, now it's gone. Why did you do that? You loved that thing you idiot.