Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   'The Hangover' playing over & over on TV. Well played TBS

   There isn't a non-creepy way to compliment a girls feet.

   Don't pay Facebook $2 to 'promote' your latest status. Simply send me half that amount, and I'll repeat it to all my friends in real life. For an extra 50c, I'll throw in a funny face when I say it.

   I had a bit of a lazy day sitting in my underpants looking for jobs online. My boss was furious.

   Math Quiz: my sister's been unmarried since 1997. How many cats does she have?

   It's better to have loved and lost, than live with the idiot for the rest of your life!

   Bounty Hunters killed all my paper towels.

   FACT: that dog can walk on its own, professional dog walkers. What it can't do is pick up it's own poop. You're just a professional poop collector.

   I wish people who say "what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas" would stay in Vegas.

   Hey white p eople with dreads - that's quite enough of that.

   So I heard if I needed to reach the NSA directly I can just dial any number?

   I'm bored. Maybe I should leave the house and check Facebook from somewhere else.

   Part of me wants to help you with your crisis, but part of me wants to go to happy hour.

   One time I threw a boomerang and lost it, now I live in constant fear.

   I just got an email telling me how I can have fuller, firmer breasts. I can't wait to show them to my wife!!

   ■Hangovers: because you had so much fun, you deserve to think about it all day.

   Sometimes I drop things and I'm too lazy to pick them up, like pencils, or my hopes and dreams.

   Kids hate it when they open their new toy only to find out that batteries are not included. So do women.

   I've reached an age in my life where "you shouldn't say that.." turns into "what the hell, let's see what happens..."

   My past is my past, it made me who I am, I have no regrets, wouldn't change a thing. I just don't live there anymore.