Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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In a bear attack, hold your hands up and approach calmly. Palm strike to the sternum. You're attacking a bear now. 
If I go into a restaurant with two other people I like to say my last name is Stooge, just to hear the hostess call out "Stooge, party of 3"
I turn down my radio to park my car.
"Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country."~JFK "How's it going, Sunshine?" ~ Barack Obama campaigning in Sunrise, Florida
Ran out of toilet paper, so I had to use dryer sheets again!
If it's between love and losing And to never have known the feeling, I'd still side with love And if I end up lonely at least I will be there knowing I believe in love
In this kind of weather I like to get a space heater, a good book, a pot of coffee, and curl up on the toilet.
Hey. Did everything just taste purple for a second?
If a large group of lions is a Pride, what is a large group of housecats? Shame.
heard that actor Mel Gibson had phoned several trusted friends for advice on how to handle his situation with girlfriend Oksana Grigorieva. They included Alec Baldwin, Chris Brown, Michael Richards, Archie Bunker and the ghost of Gary Coleman.
I don't know why some girls refuse to use a porta-potty. It's not like us men pee on the seat on purpose...geesh:)
They laughed at Louis Armstrong when he said he was going to go to the moon. Now he's up there, laughing at them.
What I don't get is how paper beats a rock. It should be changed to Rock, Bomb With A Cuttable Fuse, Scissors.
I am good at posting statuses with percentages that I pulled out my ass. If you are one of these people or know someone who is, please repost this. 97.4% won't copy and paste this. : )
dont cry because it is 0ver....smile because it happened..!!
..lost £50 on the Super Bowl. That's the last time I bet on a horse.
Selling his soul for a bag of skittles.
accidentally turned off his facebook anti crap filter and was scared by the amount of quizzes, farm, fairyland, mafia and virtual f&cking cupcake crap you people post, if it wasn't for facebook purity I would delete alot of you
What's worse than a joke without a punchline?
When I'm drunk and in the woods, I always have the urge to try to juggle squirrels. 