Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Every time a vending machine eats your dollar that's just Jesus telling you that you're fat.

   Train A leaves Station B in 32 minutes. Train C arrives at Station B in 30 minutes. Using a pencil and paper, write down your debit card pin.

   Colorado has now legalized pot for retail sales?....I can't wait to see the t.v. comercials for that product. A "dude" comes on t.v. saying things like. "do you have trouble sleeping 18-20 hours a day" or "are cartoons not as funny now as they were when y

   My toaster just got broken, now I have to eat raw bread like an animal til the next payday

   Be careful,,, A vetrinary receptionist has the power to know everyone's password.

   Marrying your high school sweetheart is like having your wedding reception at Applebees

   My therapist said I should tap more into my creative side, so I just made a hash pipe using a Kiwi and a ball point pen.

   When emptying email spam folder, why does anyone need to be asked are you sure you want to empty this folder. We do not need to be asked are you sure. Yes I am f#cking sure ! ! !

   Everything I know about sex I learned from internet porn. I hope to one day try buffering.

   The hardest job in the world must be working in a bubble wrap factory. Can you imagine the self control that is required to work there, "must not pop bubbles"

   'If blind people wear sunglasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?

   You know you a hood rat when you can't participate in Black Friday because yo government check ain't in until Monday. .

   "Kiss me" she said. "Kiss me like I've never been kissed before"....So I crammed my tongue up her nose.

   In a bear attack, hold your hands up and approach calmly. Palm strike to the sternum. You're attacking a bear now.

   If I go into a restaurant with two other people I like to say my last name is Stooge, just to hear the hostess call out "Stooge, party of 3"

   I turn down my radio to park my car.

   "Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country."~JFK "How's it going, Sunshine?" ~ Barack Obama campaigning in Sunrise, Florida

   Ran out of toilet paper, so I had to use dryer sheets again!

   If it's between love and losing And to never have known the feeling, I'd still side with love And if I end up lonely at least I will be there knowing I believe in love

   In this kind of weather I like to get a space heater, a good book, a pot of coffee, and curl up on the toilet.