Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hang on, let me change from my home flip flops to my going out flip flops. Then we can go.

   You people can keep blaming your weight/waist or tight fitting clothes on the holidays if you want, but I am not going to lie to myself or others. I was fat in August!

   Unless your kids fundraiser is selling whisley, I'm not really interested

   Guys who drink light roast coffee.... Does it bother your wife that she has to be the man in the family?

   Why are women like KFC? After you've finished with the thigh and breasts, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.

   Sign up now for my new fitness program! Clowns with guns chase you until you are thin... Also we put spiders in your food.

   Excuse me, Pink Floyd... It's "We don't need ANY education."

   Every time a vending machine eats your dollar that's just Jesus telling you that you're fat.

   Train A leaves Station B in 32 minutes. Train C arrives at Station B in 30 minutes. Using a pencil and paper, write down your debit card pin.

   Colorado has now legalized pot for retail sales?....I can't wait to see the t.v. comercials for that product. A "dude" comes on t.v. saying things like. "do you have trouble sleeping 18-20 hours a day" or "are cartoons not as funny now as they were when y

   My toaster just got broken, now I have to eat raw bread like an animal til the next payday

   Be careful,,, A vetrinary receptionist has the power to know everyone's password.

   Marrying your high school sweetheart is like having your wedding reception at Applebees

   My therapist said I should tap more into my creative side, so I just made a hash pipe using a Kiwi and a ball point pen.

   When emptying email spam folder, why does anyone need to be asked are you sure you want to empty this folder. We do not need to be asked are you sure. Yes I am f#cking sure ! ! !

   Everything I know about sex I learned from internet porn. I hope to one day try buffering.

   The hardest job in the world must be working in a bubble wrap factory. Can you imagine the self control that is required to work there, "must not pop bubbles"

   'If blind people wear sunglasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?

   You know you a hood rat when you can't participate in Black Friday because yo government check ain't in until Monday. .

   "Kiss me" she said. "Kiss me like I've never been kissed before"....So I crammed my tongue up her nose.