Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I got first draft in my fantasy foosball team. Once again, my top pick: the plastic dude with the metal rod through his torso.

   Why does everyone love dolphins so much? They're mammals that can breathe under water and they're smarter than us. We should be worried.

   umm can I have a coke?” “is pepsi ok?” “I dont know is monopoly money ok?”

   If these walls could talk, they'd say "OH GOD, This HURTS! Get these nails out of me! Why did you paint me Mauve? Make it stop!"

   I was on my driving lesson when the instructor said, "You need to change gear." I said, "Sorry I just feel comfortable dressed as a scuba diver."

   Have you noticed in movies they ask someone wearing a mask "who are you?"

   It's a dog eat dog world...In case you didn't realize before hand...I eat puppies for breakfast.

   If you see Ghost Rider backwards is about a dead guy who after eating the soul of a demon and is punish becoming Nicolas Cage

   Definition of a guy who knows nothing about women: A guy who thinks PMS is that american tv channel that shows like Nova and Antiques Roadshow come on.

   After being dumped, everyone should have the right to tie their ex up and interrogate them.

   Hang on, let me change from my home flip flops to my going out flip flops. Then we can go.

   You people can keep blaming your weight/waist or tight fitting clothes on the holidays if you want, but I am not going to lie to myself or others. I was fat in August!

   Unless your kids fundraiser is selling whisley, I'm not really interested

   Guys who drink light roast coffee.... Does it bother your wife that she has to be the man in the family?

   Why are women like KFC? After you've finished with the thigh and breasts, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.

   Excuse me, Pink Floyd... It's "We don't need ANY education."

   Every time a vending machine eats your dollar that's just Jesus telling you that you're fat.

   Train A leaves Station B in 32 minutes. Train C arrives at Station B in 30 minutes. Using a pencil and paper, write down your debit card pin.

   In a bear attack, hold your hands up and approach calmly. Palm strike to the sternum. You're attacking a bear now.

   If I go into a restaurant with two other people I like to say my last name is Stooge, just to hear the hostess call out "Stooge, party of 3"