Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   No matter how hot you think you look , a public restroom self taken picture makes you very unattractive.

   I wonder if any of the jurors would let Casey Anthony babysit their kids...

   The guy who predicted the end of the world moved the date to Oct/Nov. That's not the end of the world, it's just another Twilight film.

   in a land of chimpanzees I was a monkey

   Never take anyone seriously who takes GOLF seriously.

   I dont do foreplay before sex...I'm not the type of guy beat around the bush.....

   i go through my "friends who are on chat" list and see whose on thinking to myself which ones I would have sex with

   Life and beer are very similar... chill for best results.

   Chicago is already doing a lot to Make America Great Again

   If the Russians Hacked the election system .... Wouldn't it be the candidate with the Most votes/Popular vote that the Russians were supporting?

   Jared Kushner gained the President's trust by banging the hottest chick the President knows.

   Get a “Head Start” on the day… Oral sex first thing in the morning!

   Being fat is a constitutional right..take that Mrs. President

   I'm a big guy. I hate going shopping and the only I can find that fits is cologne.

   12 gold hoops, 11 fake uggs, 10 richmond kingsize, 9pm curfew, 8 snotty noses, 7 different dads, 6 grams of sniff, 5 sovereign rings, 4 stolen rims, 3 ASBOs, 2 many beers and a brand new S.T.D.

   If you ran as much as your mouth did, you'd be in great shape...

   Alright, buddy, stop scrolling, its time to wipe that as$

   Don't worry and stress too much over material things. Material things are good to have but they aren't everything. Have you ever seen anyone stuff a Bentley or a mansion in their casket and take it to Heaven?

   Sometimes when I'm sad I cry into my Brita filter. Turning each teardrop into an uplifting refreshing beverage.

   Men know everything - all of them - all the time - no matter how stupid or inexperienced or arrogant or ignorant they are