Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Scientists can't decide if eggs are bad for you, how many planets we have, or how old the Earth is....let alone what began the universe. Based on their lack of consistency and plausibility, I'm going with the God theory.

   Hotel showers have 2 settings. It's either "gently peeing on you" or "DEAR GOD, THIS IS GOING TO RIP MY NIPPLES OFF!"

   If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I'd still be like, "aww."

   Apparently, the biatch at my wife's job was being such a biatch today because something, something,,,, we hate her.

   A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth

   Does anybody else have a plastic bag full of other plastic bags in their house or is it just me???

   Nice cowgirl boots. I bet you do alot of Ranchy stuff in those Hollister jeans!

   Okay, admit it. You're secretly hoping Justin Bieber does his Paul Walker impersonation.

   Man, however, is the most courageous animal: hence he overcame every animal. With playing and brass he has so far overcome every pain; but human pain is the deepest pain.

   I really hope 2015 is a better year.

   " You’d think that with as much time as women spend looking at their ass in the mirror they would be able to reverse into a parking spot." I meant you and your friends!

   "Cigarette butts are completely natural, bidegradable, and are in no way whatsoever litter" ~ Smokers

   For my next magic trick I'm going to turn your washing machine into a toilet.

   Education: n. That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding.

   The American bald eagle is no longer America's National Bird...it is now Obama's middle finger

   If the Russians Hacked the election system .... Wouldn't it be the candidate with the Most votes/Popular vote that the Russians were supporting?

   Jared Kushner gained the President's trust by banging the hottest chick the President knows.

   Chicago is already doing a lot to Make America Great Again

   Life and beer are very similar... chill for best results.

   I was up all night wondering why I have insomnia when it dawn on me.