Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Man, however, is the most courageous animal: hence he overcame every animal. With playing and brass he has so far overcome every pain; but human pain is the deepest pain.

   If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I'd still be like, "aww."

   Apparently, the biatch at my wife's job was being such a biatch today because something, something,,,, we hate her.

   A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth

   I really hope 2015 is a better year.

   " You’d think that with as much time as women spend looking at their ass in the mirror they would be able to reverse into a parking spot." I meant you and your friends!

   "Cigarette butts are completely natural, bidegradable, and are in no way whatsoever litter" ~ Smokers

   Life and beer are very similar... chill for best results.

   Chicago is already doing a lot to Make America Great Again

   Jared Kushner gained the President's trust by banging the hottest chick the President knows.

   If the Russians Hacked the election system .... Wouldn't it be the candidate with the Most votes/Popular vote that the Russians were supporting?

   I was up all night wondering why I have insomnia when it dawn on me.

   Somebody needs to invent a mirror that takes pictures,...... Then uploads directly to Facebook.......

   I'm immune to your accusations of homophobia.Some of my best shirts are gay.

   No matter how hot you think you look , a public restroom self taken picture makes you very unattractive.

   I wonder if any of the jurors would let Casey Anthony babysit their kids...

   The guy who predicted the end of the world moved the date to Oct/Nov. That's not the end of the world, it's just another Twilight film.

   in a land of chimpanzees I was a monkey

   Never take anyone seriously who takes GOLF seriously.

   I dont do foreplay before sex...I'm not the type of guy beat around the bush.....