Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't need religion to raise my offspring, I have common sense.

   Quick Question: Does swimming in debt count as cardio?

   no better reminder to visit your dentist than a trip to Walmart.

   Kim Kardashian is 32 & she's pregnant, but y'all hoes be 16 with 4 kids and no baby daddy.. & y'all calling her a s?ut? PLEASE, have a seat.

   Heard Bill Clinton on the radio, someone asked how his wife's head was, couldnt help but think probably not as good as Monica's..

   Asian Kid: "Oww I got stung by a bee!" Asian Dad: "WHY YOU NO GET STUNG BY A!?"

   "Luke, I am your Father...and your Uncle"- Redneck Darth Vader

   I know I should be sad and worried about Trump but I confess I am surprised and delighted in this country's capacity to keep a joke going...

   They should give Bill Clinton 4 more years .

   Why do women even try to talk about football? Do you see guys in the kitchen discussing dishwashing strategies?

   me? addicted to facebook? naah... (why isnt anybody commenting on this status!!! I'm waiting for the red number to pop up)...

   Just heard on the news that pres Obama will be on an episode of "Mythbusters" in the near future.....guess they must be doing an episode on why, once you become president, you lose the capacity to tell the truth.......

   some kid told me that my "Picture is under Idiot in the Dictionary" I put on a medieval face and replied "It's better then the obituary!!"

   All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.

   finding a good man is like trying to nail Jello to a tree.

   Did you hear about the guy that overdosed on Viagra? Yep, it was an open casket funeral.

   dont understand women...its very simple. I put my hand on your hip, when I dip you dip, we dip

   Speed bumps should be called slow-down bumps. (I tells it like I see it.)

   Ok I've had enough of this winter crap. I say we plot now to take out the groundhog. I got a shotgun.

   off to the printer to have my new t-shirts made. I've got, “I beat anorexia” shirts to sell to fat people and, “I beat obesity” shirts to sell to skinny people.