Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I know I should be sad and worried about Trump but I confess I am surprised and delighted in this country's capacity to keep a joke going...

   They should give Bill Clinton 4 more years .

   Why do women even try to talk about football? Do you see guys in the kitchen discussing dishwashing strategies?

   me? addicted to facebook? naah... (why isnt anybody commenting on this status!!! I'm waiting for the red number to pop up)...

   Just heard on the news that pres Obama will be on an episode of "Mythbusters" in the near future.....guess they must be doing an episode on why, once you become president, you lose the capacity to tell the truth.......

   some kid told me that my "Picture is under Idiot in the Dictionary" I put on a medieval face and replied "It's better then the obituary!!"

   All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.

   finding a good man is like trying to nail Jello to a tree.

   Did you hear about the guy that overdosed on Viagra? Yep, it was an open casket funeral.

   dont understand women...its very simple. I put my hand on your hip, when I dip you dip, we dip

   Speed bumps should be called slow-down bumps. (I tells it like I see it.)

   Ok I've had enough of this winter crap. I say we plot now to take out the groundhog. I got a shotgun.

   off to the printer to have my new t-shirts made. I've got, “I beat anorexia” shirts to sell to fat people and, “I beat obesity” shirts to sell to skinny people.

   Better open some windows. I just ate "weapons grade" chilli!

   you know you are married when the sportscenter theme song excites you more then your wife's advances

   ended their relationship with TOYOTA.

   Next time you wanna get laid, crawl up a chickens a$$ and wait.

   believes you should place a woman on a pedestal - high enough so you can look up her dress”

   tried to join a Tourette's support group, but they told me to piss off

   My mother sent me a private message on fb, telling me that I shouldn't post things that some people might find offensive. after much soul searching I had to do the right thing, so I unfriended her !