Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Beware the disease Idiotitis. It causes the brain to shut down and the mouth to keep talking. Thousands are affected. May be contagious. Best defense: Just slap and run.

   if you don't have anything nice to say, come sit by me, and we can make fun of people together.

   It is a scientific fact that the gravatational pull of a woman's cleavage on a man's eyes is too strong to be fought!!!

   So Chris Brown and Rihanna are now Engaged and they have a song together called "Ain't nobody's business." Well, I just wrote my own song called, "Ain't Nobody Cares!"

   Ever notice the roof of your car is the worst cup holder ever?

   I keep myself in good enough shape to outrun most women and children during emergencies.

   Kristen Stewart doesn't get enough credit for her acting ability. I thought she was great as "Wilson" in Cast Away

   I overheard my neighbor telling someone on the phone that I am creepy and wierd. I was so mad I almost crawled out from under her bed and confront her.

   Don't die a virgin. Seriously, there are terrorists up there waiting for you.

   By the time I've said "Nice to meet you" I've already forgotten your name.

   "Any way you can speed this up, officer? I'm obviously in a hurry."

   After watching "Breaking Bad" and the VMAs in the same night, I think I'd rather my kid be a meth dealer than a pop singer.

   Today was the kind of day where I understand how someone could become an alcoholic...

   Congrats on winning an argument with your woman...... Your prize is a night on the couch.

   Am I the only person who thinks that Walmart is missing out on a major opportunity by not having a Golden Corral in all of their stores?

   Everybody deserves second chances, but not for the same damn mistakes.

   Note to self: sex with inflatable doll not as good as advertised.

   Privacy is very important to me. That is why I only share sensitive information with my closest 480 friends on Facebook.

   There's plenty of fish in the sea, but until I catch one, i'm stuck here just holding my rod

   I like Tuesday simply because it is literally the furthest from next Monday I can possibly be.