Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear Millionaires, if you don't have a bookshelf that spins into another room, give me your money because you're spending it wrong.

   will work for a status.

   In a perfect world, we would get paid by the amount of hours we sleep; and a bonus check for every time we have sex.

   Just ate a roast beef, ham, chicken, turkey, bologna sandwich topped with bacon...Just to piss Peta off.

   My son just spoke his first words to me: 'Dad, where the f**k have you been the last 20 years?!' It was so cute.

   Elementary math problems are 2 sided, "If I had 10 chocolate bars and I ate 9 of them, what would I have now?'" Oh, I don't know.. 1 big belly ache?!."

   It would be awesome to go back to kindergarten as a 5 year old with all the knowledge you currently have and completely dominate.

   2013: The year the movie 2012 will be moved from the action section to comedy.

   The only thing better than a good thing, is more of it.

   Wasn't it beautiful when you believed in everything, and everybody believed in you?

   Why do men get lost while out driving? Because don't have a woman sitting beside them telling them where to go and how to get there!

   Roses are red. Violets are blue. The Universe is a holographic wave-particle illusion. I licked all your spoons.

   Elementary math problems are weird."'I had 10 chocolate bars and ate 9 What do I have now?'" Oh, I don't know, DIABETES MAYBE."

   The 5 biggest lies ever told: "I'm fine","Seriously, I don't like anyone", "I swear that was my last piece of gum","I have read and agree to the Terms & Conditions", and "I left my homework at home, I swear I did it!"

   We all have that face when we try to look happy when we open a birthday card with no money.

   Due to the failing economy, trick or treaters will be ID this year. I will be giving out candy to the ages of 6 to 9 years of age. Parents with infants, we know the child can't eat candy due to the lack of teeth. Get your own damn candy thanks.

   if you have ADD & OCD all you get done is getting everything organized

   Wanna know the difference between a red head and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist

   They should send retirement statements out in different colored envelopes based on gains and losses. That way I don't have to wait to get pi$$ed off!!

   Ughh,,,, I was in a house today that smelled like someone died in it ....while looking for someone else who died in it..... After cooking dog farts wrapped in cabbage....