Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why do local banks feel compelled to inform of us the temperature? I can't recall every thinking to myself, "Oh, it's 42 degrees, maybe I'll take out a loan."

   Goal number 1 for the new year: Get in a relationship. Goal number 2: Do not accomplish goal number 1 until after February 14th.

   Aw sh!t…im the only black person in my african studies class. This could be awkward…

   if you and I always agree.......... one of us is unnecessary

   Hi! Allow me to introduce myself. I'm a spider. And I can make your girlfriend scream louder than you ever could.

   I always see more people walking into Sam's Club than out of Sam's Club, but the meat's cheap, so I don't ask questions.

   Life would be so much better if there were piñatas strategically placed throughout my day.

   I find it funny how people throw around inspirational stuff like ‘live your life to the fullest’ after they've spent the entire day on Facebook.

   I knew the Psychic was no good the moment she accepted my check

   Time Warner was voted America’s worst company in an online poll by the blog Consumerist. I have to say, I’m kind of surprised that Time Warner customers were able to get online.

   Cats constantly look at you like you just asked them for a ride to the airport.

   It never ceases to amaze me that the little space between the driver’s seat and the center console in my car will fit any object that can possibly be dropped, but will not fit a hand.

   Waiting to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I'm describing him.

   Just once, I'd like to clock out from work by sliding down a dinosaur.

   I'm not the type of person you should put on speaker phone

   I dont even bother filling out the "From" field on gift tags during xmas. One look at the wrap job, and its VERY obvious.

   Nobody wants to know your diet. So shut up, eat your lettuce and be sad.

   It's amazing how many people are allergic to gluten, peanuts, and facts.

   In honor of MLK: I'm going to wash my whites and colors together today.....

   The Ipad: Because not enough people noticed you with the Iphone.