Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Drinks at the bar should be served in capri sun-like pouches, and if you can't get the straw in then they cut you off.

   To people who say love is more important than money, have you ever tried paying your bills with a hug?

   Facebook is like a relationship, once you think you have it all figured out, everything changes.

   Democracy is when 2 wolves and a sheep meet to decide who is for dinner. Liberty is when the sheep has a gun.

   Am I the only person who thinks that Walmart is missing out on a major opportunity by not having a Golden Corral in all of their stores?

   Everybody deserves second chances, but not for the same damn mistakes.

   Note to self: sex with inflatable doll not as good as advertised.

   Privacy is very important to me. That is why I only share sensitive information with my closest 480 friends on Facebook.

   There's plenty of fish in the sea, but until I catch one, i'm stuck here just holding my rod

   I like Tuesday simply because it is literally the furthest from next Monday I can possibly be.

   keep getting mixed up between claustrophobia and homophobia. Which is the one about being in the closet?

   Theres no "I" in "team" but there are 5 in "individual brilliance."

   My Wife and I have a beautiful little girl who we named after my Mom, in fact Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 5 tomorrow

   1 female smurf, 50,000 boy smurfs, no wonder they all had blue balls

   I'm only rude when I have to be. And when the situation calls for it. And when I'm hungry. And when you're hungry. And when the weather is nice. Sometimes when it's raining. Other times when it's not raining. Always on Mondays, Wednesdays & Fridays and...

   Her: Are you listening to me? Me: Trying. But when you talk, your boobs jiggle. It's distracting. Her: Grow up. Me: They did it again!

   I hate it when I'm digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.

   That rose tattoo on your ass was SO hot when you were 19. Now it looks like red cabbage

   Everything I ever needed to know about structural engineering, I learned from Angry Birds.

   if you don't have anything nice to say, come sit by me, and we can make fun of people together.