Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm that guy that will add you as a friend on Facebook and then not talk to you the next time I see you in real life.

   the moment of horror after talking to a gorgeous woman, when you go to the men's room and spot a visible booger hanging out of your nose.

   Bathroom model = Body like a stripper + Face like a truck driver!

   Doing nothing all day feels great, realizing you did nothing all day, not so great.

   It's not technically a hip hop show unless at some point, 9 seemingly random guys are invited on stage to waves their hands for no reason.

   Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed? I pulled up next to this chick in the car putting on mascara and it just didnt look right with those yellow teeth!

   Ladies: you know your eyebrows are bad when you go to a funeral looking real happy.

   Some people are like fast food…they never look as good in real life as they do on TV.

   My dad still has the mind of a scientist. In a jar on the mantelpiece in his basement, right under the moose head.

   "dude, he just called you a girl" "oh hell no! hold my purse."

   I don’t have one junk drawer anymore. I’m 46, I have a junk life.

   My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.

   I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.

   NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house

   Don't be an anti-semite, be a yo-semite.

   Hostess Cakes merged with McKee Foods, and now everybody wants a bite of Little Debbie's twinkie.

   This is embarrassing but I just noticed that I've been wearing "2010" New Year's Eve glasses for the past decade

   People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs: 1. Colonialists 2. Sisters

   Feel bad for all the kids who probably won't be trick-or-treating this year, but just think of all the candy they'll be for 50% off the day after!

   I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky