Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   An fool is one who, on noticing that a rose smells better than a cabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup

   Short skirts have a tendency to make gentlemen out of men. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?

   We should feed tuna fish mayonnaise... saving a step in the sandwich making process.

   Today is the worst day ever! (wait for the "what's wrong?" reply. Then post "Today, I finished off the Thanksgiving leftovers".

   enough with this Victoria Secret nonsense. If I'm watching a chick on tv, she's gotta be naked plain and simple. Girls Gone Wild is the lowest I go

   i'm not an alcoholic, i'm a drunk... alcoholics go to meetings

   Newt Gingrich doesn't just have skeletons in his closet, he has the whole bone army from the 7th Voyage of Sinbad.

   A hooker approached me while she was eating a bag of Lays. I instinctively produced a bag of Wise and ran in the opposite direction.

   I'd like to put a big red bow on the coffin of the guy who came up with those Lexus ads.

   If life's a b!tch... Why do I have to make my own sandwhich?

   Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear.

   "Let's go all the way tonight, no regrets, just love." sounds a lot better than "let's do it tonight, don't even think about how this will affect our lives later, just sex"

   I like my Cheerio's with an obscene amount of sugar....

   Wearing a Santa hat is a great way let people know you're a wild card.

   I am on a rowing machine. It's like being on a boat only with less screaming.

   My last relationship was a lot like high school spanish. It was 2 years of irritating gibberish & I left having learned almost nothing.

   treasure your kids when they are young - during the teenage years, you'll wish you had eaten them at birth-

   I took the elevator once but they made me give it back

   I've come to the realization that I have attained the pinnacle of middle aged complacency. My Friday nights are mostly spent with the remote in one hand, and my b***s in the other.

   "i know one thing, and that's if you don't ask for something, you can't just expect for it to happen."