Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A hooker approached me while she was eating a bag of Lays. I instinctively produced a bag of Wise and ran in the opposite direction.

   I'd like to put a big red bow on the coffin of the guy who came up with those Lexus ads.

   If life's a b!tch... Why do I have to make my own sandwhich?

   Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear.

   "Let's go all the way tonight, no regrets, just love." sounds a lot better than "let's do it tonight, don't even think about how this will affect our lives later, just sex"

   I like my Cheerio's with an obscene amount of sugar....

   Wearing a Santa hat is a great way let people know you're a wild card.

   I am on a rowing machine. It's like being on a boat only with less screaming.

   My last relationship was a lot like high school spanish. It was 2 years of irritating gibberish & I left having learned almost nothing.

   treasure your kids when they are young - during the teenage years, you'll wish you had eaten them at birth-

   I took the elevator once but they made me give it back

   I've come to the realization that I have attained the pinnacle of middle aged complacency. My Friday nights are mostly spent with the remote in one hand, and my b***s in the other.

   "i know one thing, and that's if you don't ask for something, you can't just expect for it to happen."

   Starbucks has the best coffee of any homeless shelter I've ever been to.

   My dad use to tell me stories about him and his buddies tipping outhouses in his day. Imagine taking a midnight stroll to the can, sitting there minding your own business with your flashlight reading popular mechanics and then "wham"...It's lights out...

   Mirrors can't talk. And lucky for you they can't laugh.

   What's a blazing Yule log? Is it a combination of too much egg nog and zesty jalapeno dip?

   I spend way too much time figuring out how I'm gonna get drunk.

   Sleep is my drug, my bed is my dealer, & my alarm clock is the police.

   facebook ruined it, whatever happen to actually telling people how you feel?! Nowadays you can just hide behind your status...