Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I thought a friend said, "you should get a life." I replied "F**k you!" He explained that he actually said, "you should get a WIFE." My reply stayed the same.

   This is one of those times FB needs to tag my location as "in the middle of nowhere".

   As an ex-construction worker, when I see a "lost" cone on the roadway a little piece of me dies inside.

   Can we get some National Guardsmen from the Kent State area to Penn State ASAP?

   Roses are Red, Violets are Blue. If he said he's busy tonight, the side chick is you.

   My first childhood memory was of a hummingbird dive bombing my stroller to steal the apple juice out of my sippy cup .

   Got a little frosting on the iPad and long story short now playing Angry Birds with my tongue.

   It's Friday, Saturday's less hungover neighbor.

   Two chicks in one untagged Facebook profile picture? The account belongs to the ugly one.

   We all have problems; mine are just more important than yours.

   People now a days throw the word love around like its a goddamn frisbee! How are you going to start dating someone and 4 days later post how much you love them? B!tch you dont even know them!

   Skinny Chicks that wear long Eyelashes be looking like Mosquitoes'!

   So a celebrity can just mention a product on Twitter and then they get them sent to them for free? OVEN MITTS!!!

   Decades of vets went out & sacrificed their lives so you can eat a McRib & complain about how much your country sucks.

   There are girls complaining that there's no good guys left...Hello.....they are where you left them, IN THE FRIEND ZONE

   In order to reach enlightenment, you must Empty Your Mind. Unfortunately, Rick Perry took it literally.

   I wouldn't say I'm a Hopeless Romantic, but if we're having a 20 minute conversation about poop, then you might be Wife Material.

   it wouldn't be a second chance if it was the same mistake, it would be a third.

   I've failed the mathematics test so many times I lost count.

   Never lie to an x-ray technician. They can see right through you.