Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   i hate sitting comfortably on the couch and then discocering that my phone is more than an arm's length away. Also more than a leg's length away.

   Rihanna "Fell in love in a hopeless place". Must have been in Greece.

   Necessity is the mother of invention. The Kama Sutra was created because no one should have to "reach enlightenment" in missionary position.

   To understand someone you have to walk a mile in their shoes. That's why men don't understand women, they never learned to walk in heels.

   You can't tell me Occupy Wall Street and the McRib's return are a coincidence.

   You used to be my reason to smile, now you are my reason to frown.

   I just f*cked a girl that stutters. It was great. I finished before she could say "NO!"

   I thought a friend said, "you should get a life." I replied "F**k you!" He explained that he actually said, "you should get a WIFE." My reply stayed the same.

   This is one of those times FB needs to tag my location as "in the middle of nowhere".

   As an ex-construction worker, when I see a "lost" cone on the roadway a little piece of me dies inside.

   Can we get some National Guardsmen from the Kent State area to Penn State ASAP?

   Roses are Red, Violets are Blue. If he said he's busy tonight, the side chick is you.

   My first childhood memory was of a hummingbird dive bombing my stroller to steal the apple juice out of my sippy cup .

   Got a little frosting on the iPad and long story short now playing Angry Birds with my tongue.

   It's Friday, Saturday's less hungover neighbor.

   Two chicks in one untagged Facebook profile picture? The account belongs to the ugly one.

   We all have problems; mine are just more important than yours.

   People now a days throw the word love around like its a goddamn frisbee! How are you going to start dating someone and 4 days later post how much you love them? B!tch you dont even know them!

   Skinny Chicks that wear long Eyelashes be looking like Mosquitoes'!

   So a celebrity can just mention a product on Twitter and then they get them sent to them for free? OVEN MITTS!!!