Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   217. I hate it when you go out on a date with a girl and she asks to hold her purse and it doesn't match your shoes.

   This infomercial salesman just screamed that the phones are going crazy, so I immediately threw mine across the room and sheltered in place.

   I have no point.... I have a sharp knife tho, will that make up for it?

   The one night I wish I was a cop... amateur night.

   If I poke you on Facebook and you poke me back does that mean we just had Facebook sex? & if I poke you and you didn't want to be poked did I just rape your page?

   My skull organ no work so good this day.

   will not be available to post bail on the 31st, due to a previous engagement

   When someone you're on the phone with says, "Uh huh" for no apparent reason...you know there's another person there that just whispered to the person you're talking to, "Is it that assh*le?"

   ‎2012 has arrived on schedule. Please wait until the New Year has come to a complete STOP before unfastening your seatbelts....

   Thou shall not call thyself a barbie, when thou looketh like precious!

   I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

   I had my identity stolen the day after Christmas. It was reurned in yesterday's mail with $20 and a note that read, "Damn dude, no one owants to be you!"

   predicting to go another year without love... as long as I have apple juice I'm good though.

   Don't do drugs; they can mess up your finances. You can save some money and get the same effect from just standing up really fast.

   Don't you just hate it when 9 year olds have a better phone than you.. it's like, who are you gonna call?! Barney? ..Elmo?.. DORA?!?

   Chuk Noris knows everything. Except for one thing. And he knows what it is.

   If being sexy was a crime, they would never press any charges against you.

   Dear Jack, your Jumbo Deal isn't jumbo enough, Sincerely I'm still hungry !!!

   Perhaps right after spending five minutes trying to rub the comma off my keyboard is the time to decide to stop eating over my laptop.

   Stephen Hawking announces the biggest mystery in the universe is women. In related news, Tiger Wood's ex-wife bull-dozes a 12 million dollar mansion... I think he might be on to something!