Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When someone you're on the phone with says, "Uh huh" for no apparent reason...you know there's another person there that just whispered to the person you're talking to, "Is it that assh*le?"

   ‎2012 has arrived on schedule. Please wait until the New Year has come to a complete STOP before unfastening your seatbelts....

   Thou shall not call thyself a barbie, when thou looketh like precious!

   I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

   I had my identity stolen the day after Christmas. It was reurned in yesterday's mail with $20 and a note that read, "Damn dude, no one owants to be you!"

   predicting to go another year without love... as long as I have apple juice I'm good though.

   Don't do drugs; they can mess up your finances. You can save some money and get the same effect from just standing up really fast.

   Don't you just hate it when 9 year olds have a better phone than you.. it's like, who are you gonna call?! Barney? ..Elmo?.. DORA?!?

   Chuk Noris knows everything. Except for one thing. And he knows what it is.

   If being sexy was a crime, they would never press any charges against you.

   Dear Jack, your Jumbo Deal isn't jumbo enough, Sincerely I'm still hungry !!!

   Perhaps right after spending five minutes trying to rub the comma off my keyboard is the time to decide to stop eating over my laptop.

   Stephen Hawking announces the biggest mystery in the universe is women. In related news, Tiger Wood's ex-wife bull-dozes a 12 million dollar mansion... I think he might be on to something!

   Boy: I hate to see a girl standing in a bus when I am comfortably seated. Girl: So what do you do? . Boy:I close my eyes and sleep :) :p

   A chick who ask 4 nothin will get Everything.. A chick who ask for Everything will get NOTHIN!! #Attitude-IS-everything -

   Hold on, I'm trying to give a f!ck

   I think my DVR caught a virus or STD, somehow it recorded Jersey Shore on its own and wont allow me to delete 'em

   You gotta hump a few clunkers before you can fondle a ferrari.

   Driving through rural Oklahoma in the AM trying to make it home quick to the kids. I'm a country song right now.

   Good friends will bail you out of jail. Best friends will be sitting in the cell with you, laughing about how awesome that just was.