Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   First GPS, now SIRI,,,more women telling me what to do and where to go !!!!!!!!!!!!!

   If you had a donkey and it ate a roosters feet and got sick, would you call the vet and say your ass doesn't feel good because there is two feet of c0ck in it?

   Somebody just told me "an apple a day keeps the doctor away"..so I asked him "how many apples does it take to keep YOU away?"

   Everytime I give blood,,, they asking where I got it..

   *BREAKING NEWS* The man who recently took Ryanair to court after they misplaced his luggage, has lost his case!

   Success is a relative term. It brings so many relatives.

   Celebrate Earth Day ...because it's much more enjoyable than living on the moon !

   Many people die of thirst but the Irish are born with one.

   LIKE If you've ever laughed so hard, no noise comes out, so you sit there clapping like a dumbfounded seal.

   If you ever actually see me smiling at my desk it means I'm stretching out my genit@ls into different animal shapes.

   Wine improves with age. The older I get, the more I like it.

   When I'm on the phone I move my arms around when I'm giving directions even if the person can't see me.

   I went to an Alcoholics Anonymous class today and introduced myself to 12 other people. When I walked out I was no longer anonymous but was still an alcoholic?

   That annoying moment when your juice box refuses to lose it's virginity

   MATH = Mental Abuse To Humans

   I'm ok with house hunting as long as it's done humanely and you eat all the houses you kill.

   What a night! Got drunk with some friends; broke into the zoo; had a very realistic dream about having sex with a midget nun; woke up with a penguin in my bed. EPIC!

   Fool me once, shame on my personal fool-stopper, Reginald.

   Pain makes you stronger. Fear makes you braver. Heartbreak makes you wiser and Beer makes you look better..

   Well that was a bit disappointing. That Insta-gram wasn't what I thought it was going to be!