Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You don't have to own a horse to know what not to put in it!

   Typos are like pregnancies... miss a period and it changes everything.

   I find it very ironic that I have to get out of bed on Humpday.

   I'm also thinking about making a condom made of all bubble wrap...I can go from pop...pop...pop...to poppoppoppop

   You sound worse trying to hold a sneeze in and letting out a weak wimper rather than AAAAHHHCHOOOO YEAH!

   "Would you like some tea?"..... "No".... ANARCHY IN THE UK

   Don't tell me about how you "dressed up" your baby for a special occasion. If you're wearing something you can sh!t in you aren't dressed up.

   I let my dog drink out of the toilet & then lick me on the mouth because it's easier than eating Activia.

   I wish the Apostles had been Cowboys instead of fishermen. I would really like a steak or burger today.

   If a milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, what brings the girls?

   Some people in your life are there to serve a certain purpose, well this is your notice your services are no longer needed.

   sometimes...the nut doesnt fall far from the sack

   They had a bunch of new cars in the mall today, I didnt buy it, but its was one hell of a test drive

   1990's - Last Generation With Common Sense.

   I hope Floyd Mayweather wins the best actor Oscar for his portrayal of a boxer wanting to fight Manny Pacquiao.

   Today's the 5th anniversary of my joining Facebook . Also the 5th anniversary of the last time I spoke to my family or read a book..

   if anyone of my thousand FB friends steal my status that the other site stole...they're gonna think I steal my status's :o

   Lazy Rule #227- I only buy Peanut Butter & Jelly when its swirled together cuz I aint got no time for all that two jar sh*t...

   My dogs are getting to smart they now bark shotgun when I take them for a car ride..

   its midnight and theres a party next door. I dont know what to bring. I think I'll bring my lawnmower