Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I let my dog drink out of the toilet & then lick me on the mouth because it's easier than eating Activia.

   I wish the Apostles had been Cowboys instead of fishermen. I would really like a steak or burger today.

   If a milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, what brings the girls?

   Some people in your life are there to serve a certain purpose, well this is your notice your services are no longer needed.

   sometimes...the nut doesnt fall far from the sack

   They had a bunch of new cars in the mall today, I didnt buy it, but its was one hell of a test drive

   1990's - Last Generation With Common Sense.

   I hope Floyd Mayweather wins the best actor Oscar for his portrayal of a boxer wanting to fight Manny Pacquiao.

   Today's the 5th anniversary of my joining Facebook . Also the 5th anniversary of the last time I spoke to my family or read a book..

   if anyone of my thousand FB friends steal my status that the other site stole...they're gonna think I steal my status's :o

   Lazy Rule #227- I only buy Peanut Butter & Jelly when its swirled together cuz I aint got no time for all that two jar sh*t...

   My dogs are getting to smart they now bark shotgun when I take them for a car ride..

   its midnight and theres a party next door. I dont know what to bring. I think I'll bring my lawnmower

   1 out of 8 people suffers from multiple personality disorder but to that one person that statistic would be 3 out of 8.

   Do the 60+ woman at the post office with the kabuki mask makeup wearing the black halter top with Baby in rhinestones...... Oh whatever just work it grandma your awesome.

   The snookie and mayans thing is getting old now look at the previous jokes before doing a duplicate

   My "Baggage" flies on a broom and smells of brimstone...

   You know how sometimes you accidentally drop food on the floor and eat it anyways? I just did that with soup

   Theres a new movie coming out starring Miley Cyrus...Its name? "LOL"...the Mayans were right people..

   Yo, Tupac, I'm really happy for you; I'mma let you finish... but Princess Leia had the best hologram of all time. All time!