Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Texting angry....All CAPPS!!

   watch for ME during the halftime show at the Super Bowl. I'll be the one holding Madona's colostomy bag.

   I use to be a tight end... Now I'm a wide reciever!

   Dear haters, I couldn`t help but notice that "awesoME" ends with "me" and "Ugly" starts with "U".

   It should be illegal to be outgoing before 10am.

   Girls, don't waste money tattooing your legs. They eventually become available for free. They're called varicose veins.

   I never understood the point of checking into the gym?? Most of the time everyone can see if you workout. And if someone "likes" it, they probably think you're fat and are happy you're pretending to make a change.

   My homosexual dyslexic mate cant wait for February the 14th..........He thinks its Vaseline Day!!!!

   My superpower is turning tequila into tears.

   Hate when I'm Sexually rubbing the wall until you find the light switch.

   The girl said we were not spending enough time together, so we went to a movie,, she dragged me to Twilight,,, breakup T- minus one hour twenty three minutes!!

   that sad moment when you return to your ordinary life after watching a awesome movie :(

   Women may not hit harder.....but they can hit lower

   if you refer to yourself or the person you are talking too in 3rd person and/or if you've hurt your shoulder from patting your own back.. you can't and shouldn't be trusted.

   It's like I'm always holding for the next available representative, but they never hold me back.

   I imagine Fabio Capello has resigned to concentrate fully on his commitments as one of the Dolmio puppets.

   There's a Justin Bieber toothbrush that vibrates. Yeah, I'm pretty sure groupies won't be using it for their teeth.

   Read today doing something for 10,000 hours makes you an expert...which makes me an expert in something very, very bad.

   "OH NO, A PYTHON! Whew just my nose. OH NO COBRA! Nope still my nose. OH NO RATTLESNAKE! Sh!t, nose. God I can't live like this." - Elephant

   I will die one day at a Del Taco, shot dead by a SWAT team after taking several hostages over what I feel is the meaning of extra cheese.