Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   don't ya hate it when it's real quiet in a meeting and your hungry stomach decides to make those "dying whale" sounds...

   I am only pretty on the outside.

   I'm against picketing but I don't know how to show it.

   I hadn't really planned on doing much today. So the little I have done makes me seem like an over achiever! Winning.....

   I'm also not a JETS fan,,, but on E-Bay, If I ever see a old, used,, Dirty Sanchez jersey,, I'm TOTALLY buying that too....

   BTW,, I won't walk a mile even in my own friggin shoes,,,, So,,

   Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm

   No story that begins with "She had never drunk tequila before" ever has a happy ending

   When playing Modern Warfare 3 video game, is the menu suppose to…okay, I guess by now the girls have stopped reading. So fellas, any of you out there get nervous when make up sex starts with a BJ?

   "I don't know why poor people hate me. There's always a new refrigerator box in my front yard for them to use."~ Rush Limbaugh

   This empty bottle of rum has very good manners for being completely drunk. I on the other hand do not.

   Mothers can either make the Best wing-men or the Worst c0ck-blockers

   I don't always drink beer... Ahh, who am I kidding? I always drink beer.

   Figuring things out for yourself is practically the only freedom anyone really has nowadays. Use that freedom.

   I'm not drunk...I'm avoiding snipers.

   I tried to give the kids piggie back rides and now they're covered in mud and hog bites. Farms are stupid.

   Dear Mom & Dad, when you said- "Let`s go", I assumed you were ready to go also. Sincerely, Been waiting in the car for 20 minutes

   -Thinking about the time I got head so good I drooled in her hair by mistake o.0

   Whoever taught Yoda English in High School did a horrible job.

   Why are the Egyptian people so angry......