Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   No story that begins with "She had never drunk tequila before" ever has a happy ending

   When playing Modern Warfare 3 video game, is the menu suppose to…okay, I guess by now the girls have stopped reading. So fellas, any of you out there get nervous when make up sex starts with a BJ?

   "I don't know why poor people hate me. There's always a new refrigerator box in my front yard for them to use."~ Rush Limbaugh

   This empty bottle of rum has very good manners for being completely drunk. I on the other hand do not.

   Mothers can either make the Best wing-men or the Worst c0ck-blockers

   I don't always drink beer... Ahh, who am I kidding? I always drink beer.

   Figuring things out for yourself is practically the only freedom anyone really has nowadays. Use that freedom.

   I'm not drunk...I'm avoiding snipers.

   I tried to give the kids piggie back rides and now they're covered in mud and hog bites. Farms are stupid.

   Dear Mom & Dad, when you said- "Let`s go", I assumed you were ready to go also. Sincerely, Been waiting in the car for 20 minutes

   -Thinking about the time I got head so good I drooled in her hair by mistake o.0

   Whoever taught Yoda English in High School did a horrible job.

   Why are the Egyptian people so angry......

   poor Kenyans who thought Obama was one of theirs!!!

   Perhaps when facebook goes public, they'll be able to afford servers that don't remind me of the unreliable one's who work the graveyard shift at Denny's.

   Just know that whenever your feeling down, I'll be there to feel you up!

   I'm glad my job isn't standing on the corner, spinning a sign, dressed up like the Statue of Liberty, while drivers make the jerk-off sign

   If you have ever used one of those Hand Dryers in a bathroom, congratulations...you just did a portion of the Macarena.

   Friend tellin me " Bro I wasn`t that drunk…." Me: “Dude you destroyed my gf's garden at 4:00AM while shouting and screaming "F**k Farmville!"

   I don't mind it when people let their minds go blank. I just wish they would log off Facebook when it happens.