Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   a unibrow is just a mustache for your eyes

   It disturbs me to see how much I say the word "Retard'' in everyday conversations..But never on Facebook where they are abundant.

   Listening to whale sounds while my girlfriend takes a bath.

   you know....I like my men like my Rum: Gone in the morning....

   girls were probably first put on a pedestal so guys could see up their skirts

   doc says i'm low on iron. yet, i'm feeling tired beyond my wildest dream... kind of ironic, no?

   Say no to the FRIEND ZONE!

   Hands don't make the music, the soul does.

   I think that kid has got too big and fat for the show to be called 'Two and a Half Men' anymore.

   Hey friends..... if I really wanted to "Branch Out"...... I would drink a Jagerbomb with a Miracle Grow chaser!

   A blind man at a nudist colony is having more fun than me right now.

   The worst thing about dating a dragon with a girl tattoo is how I would never shut up about it.

   The meanest thing you can ever do to a blind person is leave a plunger in the toilet.

   how much of a procrasinater do you have to be to wait until a tumor is 200 lbs to have it removed

   Wishes there were Piggly Wigglys in my state just so I could keep saying piggly wiggly

   Oprah named her channel OWN cuz she wants to own people like slaves

   I like the word 'prevaricate' although I can't spell it

   I'm glad we can't smell each other through the internet.

   I don't mean to seem culturally insensitive but I'm not buying Chris Brown's story that he's one-eighth Slapaho Indian.

   If Elmers didnt recommend eating paste...why the minty flavor?...huh?