Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hands don't make the music, the soul does.

   I think that kid has got too big and fat for the show to be called 'Two and a Half Men' anymore.

   Hey friends..... if I really wanted to "Branch Out"...... I would drink a Jagerbomb with a Miracle Grow chaser!

   A blind man at a nudist colony is having more fun than me right now.

   The worst thing about dating a dragon with a girl tattoo is how I would never shut up about it.

   The meanest thing you can ever do to a blind person is leave a plunger in the toilet.

   how much of a procrasinater do you have to be to wait until a tumor is 200 lbs to have it removed

   Wishes there were Piggly Wigglys in my state just so I could keep saying piggly wiggly

   Oprah named her channel OWN cuz she wants to own people like slaves

   I like the word 'prevaricate' although I can't spell it

   I'm glad we can't smell each other through the internet.

   I don't mean to seem culturally insensitive but I'm not buying Chris Brown's story that he's one-eighth Slapaho Indian.

   If Elmers didnt recommend eating paste...why the minty flavor?...huh?

   On a scale from 1 to 10, how creepy was Slim Goodbody?

   One time when I was 8 years old, a bear wearing a hat came up to me in the woods and told me ONLY I could prevent forest fires. Why he chose me, I will never know.

   In my hay day all I did was sneeze.

   I have inside jokes with complete strangers....

   if I stop using smileys , dude you're in trouble

   And now I must perform the nightly ritual where I use "floss" to purify my gums of their excess blood

   I called Siri a bitch for messing up my request and my phone automatically started dialing my ex.