Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Finally loses virginity. 3 more years left in prison.

   An apple a day takes a billion dollars away

   Like my dad always says,, "Find out what you don't do well,, and then don't do it.".. It's one of our Family Traditions...

   Half of the world's population is crazy. The other half is male.

   I'm surprised more workplace violence isn't motivated by the vending machine's refusal to accept a dollar bill.

   Anger occasionally makes me have a sh!tty day. Love occasionally makes me have a sh!tty 3 years.

   I like to name my bottles of wine. That one is Happiness... that one is Horniness... and that one is Empty.

   They say you should keep your friends close, but your enemies even closer. So I'm getting married next week.

   Which Playmate is in charge of sorting Hugh Hefner's pills?......'cause you KNOW that's an all day job....

   If your kids don't shut the hell up and rock when "Sad But True" starts playing, you've failed them as a parent.

   It is my god given right to butcher song lyrics at the top of my poor vocal range if I want dammit!!

   Paddle faster. I hear banjos.

   Love is like working out it hurts really bad until you just give up and eat a cake.

   I'm not ignoring you, I'm just waiting for you to talk to me first.

   You know your phone is old, when you have Myspace as a default application.

   Yes, I'm on facebook a lot. No, I do not have a life. Yes, I like it. No, I don't think dollar beers, playing horseshoes and cornhole at a biker bar constitutes you having a life either.

   It's good to see that Suarez has finally tasted champions league success.

   If I was Ivanovic I'd get a Rabies injection, best to be on the safe side

   If one more person wishes summer I am going to push them into a volcano!

   if Jay Leno and Reese Witherspoon had a kid, it'd look like that dude on Mask...