Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Most haters are stuck in a poisonous mental prison of jelousy and self doubt that blinds them to their own potential.

   Internet searches get you many results, most are different and leaves one more confused than before the search. As a source for answers, the much lauded "Super Information Highway" has become the "Road To Nowhere".

   I just tried on a pair of skinny jeans and accidentally got my balls caught in the zipper and now I know the words to every Bruno Mars song....

   Screvving with a rubber is like eating steak with a balloon on your tongue.

   I think i'm in pizza with you.

   When I say "I did laundry," I say it in a voice that infers that I just spent 12 hours beating the clothes against rocks near a remote creek

   I'm being really funny in real life so I don't have the time to write it all down for you guys

   I'm not saying your wife is fat but her best side is cole slaw.

   Ladies don't worry, she will never be you...and when he realizes this, don't take him back because he probably has herpes.

   I am about to drop some dark matter in the camode.

   Only thing good about "good morning" is the breakfast tacos

   There's someone out there for everyone. (The motto of hideous people the world over.)

   just dipped a banana into a jar of natural peanut butter and the end broke off and sank to the bottom. ...just in case anyone wants to get me a new jar of peanut butter ...or some meds ...or a life.

   If I ever fall onto the bar stool next to you and give you an exaggerated wink and a Fat Albert "Hey hey hey!", rest assured you got hit on.

   Companies and money-hungry capitalists are ruining Facebook with their advertising and snooping.

   Kim Jong Un should fire whoever came up with this years North Korea tourism advertising idea.

   This rum tastes way better hiding on isle 5 in the grocery store drinking it

   The days of good grammar has went by from now on

   Magic Mike is truly magical... its the first time my woman has come home without having a "Headache"...

   I have yet to see a security guard I couldn't beat the s$it out of.