Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hate it when girls make me do the walk of shame in the morning. So embarrassing circling my own apartment waiting for them to leave.

   Why the do vegans have fake meat? "I'm morally opposed to eating meat but I want to pretend I'm eating it."

   I want you all to know, if I win the Powerball tonight.... I'm still going to show up to Facebook tomorrow.

   If your hat is intentionally crooked while you are pushing a stroller then we know your child was an accident.

   If you have to "take a break" then you two are NOT together. Timeouts are for sports, not relationships.

   Calling out your ex's name during sex is a nice way to show your current lover that you won't forget them after you break up.

   Even if they sold ten-ply toilet paper, I would still fold it at least twice,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, I have trust issues.

   My sex tape would just be called Home Alone.

   I glued the TV remote to my wife. I'm expecting her to go missing any second now.

   There's nothing more terrifying than accidentally making eye contact with a mall kiosk worker.

   Remember kids, never ever buy meth from a person with a full set of teeth. He is obviously an undercover cop.

   Mattel is launching a new Facebook Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box.

   After sex, I like to cuddle up to her, wrap my arm around her, brush her hair and whisper: "Welcome to rock bottom."

   I love when people dig their own grave. It saves me so much time.

   Leadership is a privilege to better the lives of others. It is not an opportunity to satisfy personal greed.

   These are not pizza stains on my shirt they are pizza memories, wonderful wonderful memories.

   I'm guessing if we see pink smoke, that will mean the justices has reached a decision?

   The South Koreans should do a psy-op on the North Koreans by placing massive TV’s at the border blasting Gangnam Style on a continuous loop.

   can't we just assume everyone loves their children and hates cancer??

   We all have someone at work we make fun of. If you don't, its you.