Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Relationships are like drugs. They either kill you or give you the best feeling of your life.

   Let's play a cruel joke on your husband and make a baby for him.

   I hope your exit strategy doesn't involve a cemetery.

   Never forget to love your family.. because when everyone is in and out of your life, family is always there

   I saw a sign advertising KFC that said, "There's only one chicken worth eating." So I rushed to KFC and ordered chicken. Just my luck, somebody had already gotten the one worth eating.

   It hurts when you touch it, I think you should lick it instead.

   If there's one thing I've learned, it's that I'll never learn

   love just isn't enough to keep two people together. You need money too to finance that shingding.

   It doesn't matter what subject Adele will write her tracks about, all her songs sound like she's singing about cheeseburgers

   As a woman, I always take good care of my eyes coz they are the only balls I have.

   Sorry I Liked your dog dying.... But, they don't really give us any other buttons.

   If you love someone, screw their brains out on a daily basis, and letting them go will never become an issue.

   You know a woman invented the tape measure, because no guy ever said "Hey, let's see how big this thing REALLY is"

   So, if I'm to believe Apple, my thumbs have grown half an inch and my ears changed shape since last year…

   If he asks me to marry him that means he doesn't want to have sex anymore, right?

   I watched a great puppet show last week. I think it was called The American Presidential debates or something

   Lets not waste our time wondering whether or not this is a waste of time

   Farts are always funny, except the wet ones, those are only funny when it happens to someone else.

   my wife said I drink too much and don't exercise enough. So I stole her pedometer. Half mile so far from the living room to the fridge!

   wondering if anyone knows of an easier way to get mothballs? So dang hard getting their little legs apart ;)