Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   nothing screams "loser" like a wedding ring tat from your 3rd marriage...

   I grew up in a loving home with supportive parents. It's been very creatively frustrating and limiting.

   My wife told me she's loving me because I don't listen to her properly.

   Men and women need a box of tissues for very different reasons.

   Get off goddamn Internet, go out & live your life! I'll be here when you get back. :)

   I know it's Fall because my brother got his d ick stuck in the leaf blower again.

   1+1=3 if you don't use a condom.

   Relationships are like drugs. They either kill you or give you the best feeling of your life.

   Let's play a cruel joke on your husband and make a baby for him.

   I hope your exit strategy doesn't involve a cemetery.

   Never forget to love your family.. because when everyone is in and out of your life, family is always there

   I saw a sign advertising KFC that said, "There's only one chicken worth eating." So I rushed to KFC and ordered chicken. Just my luck, somebody had already gotten the one worth eating.

   It hurts when you touch it, I think you should lick it instead.

   If there's one thing I've learned, it's that I'll never learn

   love just isn't enough to keep two people together. You need money too to finance that shingding.

   It doesn't matter what subject Adele will write her tracks about, all her songs sound like she's singing about cheeseburgers

   As a woman, I always take good care of my eyes coz they are the only balls I have.

   Sorry I Liked your dog dying.... But, they don't really give us any other buttons.

   If you love someone, screw their brains out on a daily basis, and letting them go will never become an issue.

   You know a woman invented the tape measure, because no guy ever said "Hey, let's see how big this thing REALLY is"