Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Too good to work fast food when you were young? Have you noticed that you are a loser now?

   Watching this growing TOP CIA scandal is proof that women secretly runs the world!!!

   I bet that the McAfee AntiVirus 2013 will include anti-virus, anti-spam, and anti-murder your neighbor options!

   Most women I know that wear the pants in a relationship, rarely wear pants.

   Throught I had sexiest man alive in the bag, but Tatum won the electoral vote and I only won the popular vote.

   It must suck to have just one arm.... Until you get arrested.

   Every time traffic policemen stops me they ask if I have drunk anything. But no one ever asked me if I had eaten anything.

   You have to be 18 to tickle Elmo.

   If it doesn't add value, subtract that shi t.

   Sometimes I screw up intentionally just so I can say, “You were right dear” B itches love hearing “You were right dear”

   All my friends are doing it, and quite frankly, I feel left out. Big woman, 37, never married. Seeks divorce.

   I don't know how girls can deep throat, I almost threw up because I forgot to chew a Mentos.

   People who never had suicidal thoughts probably never touched a wet bathroom door knob.

   Whenever I hear "let us pray" My mind automatically adds "on the weak minded and gullible"

   Am I the only one in Crocks?

   Tell her she's Beautiful ...because Hot is a just a temperature

   Taking my car to the mechanics today...if only I could just get it drunk and the problems would go away.

   I often worry that mankind is going to start world war III solely because we enjoy trilogies

   Saying “dude” before you say something important.

   Do you suppose that, perhaps, we should not take apocalypse clues from a race that has failed in its own attempt to survive?