Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Fellas......if she wears bracelettes she's most likely in to handcuffs too. Run like hell.

   Dear summer, Go home... You're drunk

   If girls didn't need guys there wouldn't be a 'man' in woman.

   Behind every fat man, there is a woman. Frying and stuff.

   £800 pound for a coffin lid? Over my dead body

   Hey, Apple: Don't waste my time with this iPhone 5S unless it's learned that nobody's ever typing "ducking he'll."

   In my opinion, my opinion is so much better than your opinion!

   In other news, Weiner is shriveling in the NY City mayoral race

   Autocorrect just changed "what are your plans" to "plants". Yes autocorrect, I'm curious if they're growing roses or tulips

   Dear, Android. Please stop changing my rude words into nice ones... You piece of Shut.

   I say we start with UNDENIABLE proof that Donald Trump is not a reptilian overlord.

   Boy, they don't like when you go up for seconds at church.

   How women see word problems If Dan buys 6 pears, 4 apples & 5 oranges. How many women did that son of a b itch check out while he was there?

   The only thing that I do well during sex is provide disappointment.

   The average annual income of a U.S. prostitute is $290,000. Seems the only time getting screwed pays is when you are a hooker.

   The ladder to success sure does have a lot of p enises on it.

   Before you start telling people lies, make sure they don't already know the truth. Lest you make a fool of yourself.

   Face down, ass up, skip yoga, chase the icecream truck.

   Tell me everything but dont use words.

   Sorry I haven't been around much guys. Been out having sex and doing things. Minus the sex and things