Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Men are jealous competitive creatures. For example, “He probably has a small d*ck” is how men say “I wish I had a car like that.”

   I'd tell you to kiss my @ss but you'd probably fall in love with it and stalk me.

   You compliment me...I'll complicate you.

   If you've deactivated facebook, and someone tells you happy Birthday .. Marry that person

   How has someone not done a full body tattoo that is a maze?

   The best time to tell your girlfriend you've been sleeping with her best friend is when she starts saying things like "not tonight, I have got a headache"

   I took a sexual harassment course this afternoon. I think I'm going to be pretty good at it!

   Nothing's a bigger turn off than a chick who pretends to be a sports fan. You either are or you aren't. Leave it be.

   If being bad is wrong then I'll never be right... guess my guidance councilor did know what she was talking about after all.

   Ben Affleck to play Batman in the new movie. Which can only mean one thing… Matt Damon as Robin.

   I want to make sure I got this straight. Ben Affleck as Batman would make Batman unbelievable?

   My boss said "Dress for the job you want, not for the job you have." Right now I am getting called on the carpet in my Batman costume.

   Not having a thigh gap has saved my girls' phones from falling into the toilet.

   Have you ever woken up from a nightmare, looked around you, and then wished that you were back in the nightmare?

   Scientists officially confirm the discovery of Element 115. Great, now I'm going to have to get my Periodic Table tattoo redone.

   Maybe we should just call her ''Horny Montana''

   Jealous people are God's way of reminding us that we are awesome enough to be envied.

   According to my poop, I need to start chewing my corn better.

   Liverpool top of the league. Russia and US on a war footing. New Paul McCartney single. What is this, 1989?

   “After five guys I feel like a bad person,” doesn’t sound right even though I’m referring to a cheeseburger with fries.