Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It looks like One Direction is headed in another direction

   Yesterday we had Earth Hour as a reminder that we all need to take better care of Earth. I would also like to encourage you all to take better care of uranus.

   Before you judge a man, walk a mile in their shoes; and then judge them.

   Tell me I drink too much so I can drink about that too.

   If you love someone, keep drinking

   thinks all.strippers must have the same nick name: Daddy Issues

   whatever it is you’re going through, however bad or sad. just know everything is about to be okay because game of thrones is back tonight.

   I'm a participation trophy wife.

   Welcome to Celebrity Impersonators Club. Please have a seat. There's plenty of Chers.

   Life isn't measured by how many likes we get, but rather the moments that take our likes away.

   Relationship Status: Trying to get my cat to cooperate so I can make a Vine.

   "Oh, this old thing?" - my cat showing me his butt hole..

   Obama did not get Osama, the CIA and NavySeals did. That's all you got? FAIL!

   Mayweather Wasn't Hugged as a Child. Since Daddy Went To Prison. That's Why Guys..

   Thinks the only difference between my job and the Titanic is the Titanic at least had a band!!

   automatic doors make me feel like a jedi

   why don't dentist offer 50 percent discounts to meth heads just to gum up business

   as many times as I've been called "that mother f*cker" in my life, I better be getting a Mother's Day card and gift too.

   A gentleman is someone who can play the accordion but won't

   I spend the first few hours of every day killing weeds in my front yard and the last few hours of every day smoking them in my backyard.