Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Not now kids. I'm managing my online empire.

   it's freezing outside..at least I don't have to walk the 20 feet for a cold beer, the ice window box is just a little stretch...

   "To be is to do" - Socrates... "To do is to be" - Nietzsche... "Do be do be do" - Sinatra... "Beep beep beep" - R2D2...

   Fcuk, is this year ever going to end?

   The bible has been remixed more times than Madonna.

   Why is it always "did you drink all of the beer", instead of, "hey thanks for cleaning out that drawer in the refrigerator"?

   "Respect costs you nothing?!" Are you sure?!

   Did you know!! if you walk like a penguin you won't slip on ice.. ;)

   Everyone should call their weed "The Quran" because burning that crap gets you stoned.

   Fact: Dogs don't like when you pet their fur in the wrong direction because it exposes the tribal tattoos they got in college

   Don't worry too much about being alone on Valentine's Day. It's just one day out of the year. There's 364 other days no one loves you too.

   Can't wait to watch the NFL Pro Bowl said no one ever!

   Every time a crossfitter gets injured an Angel gets their wings

   I'm asian but not "love you long time" asian. More like "love you for 10 min, roll over, and go to bed" asian.

   Momma left strict instructions to knock you out

   The tax revenue from Michael Moore would make a serious dent in the federal deficit.

   "Mom, why do girls rule and boys drool" "Well, dear.... there are these things called boobs"

   Hit the gym today with my car.

   Sam Smith is a chubby Rick Astley!

   Think someone is pitching "Keeping up with Kanye"? What a Deutche