Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If it ain't KRAFT Mac and Cheese, it ain't Mac and Cheese!!!!

   FYI: You better check your elf,, before it wrecks your shelf

   *On a date... And the 3 teardrop tattoos on my cheek represent the times I lost to my brother at Mario Kart.

   The suicide vest bombing instructor at the Al Qaeda School of Martyrdom advised his students too "pay close attention because I'm only going to show you this once".

   Justin Bieber Got a Freaking Jet for Christmas proving that there is no God or justice in this world we live in.

   If you’re ever in a swordfight, don’t swing at your opponent’s legs, because (a) he’ll hop over your sword, and (b) what are you doing?

   Knock on your neighbors door and ask if they've seen your cat. When they say no pull your cat out of your pocket and make introductions

   Not now kids. I'm managing my online empire.

   it's freezing outside..at least I don't have to walk the 20 feet for a cold beer, the ice window box is just a little stretch...

   "To be is to do" - Socrates... "To do is to be" - Nietzsche... "Do be do be do" - Sinatra... "Beep beep beep" - R2D2...

   Fcuk, is this year ever going to end?

   The bible has been remixed more times than Madonna.

   Why is it always "did you drink all of the beer", instead of, "hey thanks for cleaning out that drawer in the refrigerator"?

   "Respect costs you nothing?!" Are you sure?!

   Did you know!! if you walk like a penguin you won't slip on ice.. ;)

   Everyone should call their weed "The Quran" because burning that crap gets you stoned.

   Fact: Dogs don't like when you pet their fur in the wrong direction because it exposes the tribal tattoos they got in college

   Don't worry too much about being alone on Valentine's Day. It's just one day out of the year. There's 364 other days no one loves you too.

   Can't wait to watch the NFL Pro Bowl said no one ever!

   Every time a crossfitter gets injured an Angel gets their wings