Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "You are probably a 30-year old drunk dude with nothing better to do than play video games" - An incredibly correct kid on Xbox Live

   I wish relationships were more like cell phone plans - "Free nights and weekends."

   I wonder if I could just pay a psychiatrist to follow me on Facebook. I'd be able to skip the therapy sessions, and the doc could just send me the appropriate pills based on my status updates.

   Dear Pope, Religion and birth control are more compatible than you may think. Every time a condom breaks, someone learns to pray.

   I like to pretend I'm a judge on "So You Think You Can Dance" when I'm at the strip club.

   Guess drunk? I'm what!

   No grandma it's not "50 percent and acorn," it's 50 Cent and Akon.

   My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I didn't open his bill.

   I've got 2 college degrees in case anyone needs their lawn mowed or pool cleaned

   I'm ABSOLUTELY positive I'd accidentally kill myself within 3 minutes of owning a light saber.

   I, put commas, in, weird places, so that, you, read, my jokes, like William, Shatner.

   To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon

   Some days the problem is I care too much... Today was not one of those days...

   We've all seen that person on Social Media who likes to debate things as if they are a college professor. Dude...you're arguing with someone who uses "dat"

   Earlier this morning, I was invited to join a XXX facebook group. I was somewhat intrigued until I realized it was a group for guys who like to wear really big shirts.

   A dozen roses: $12, a box of chocolates: $10, a Happy Valentines Day card: $2, still having $24 dollars because you're single: priceless!

   Why does every horrific news story begin with "A Florida man..."

   Everyone on my Facebook is going for Mayweather or pacquiao, I'm going for the Baltimore mom!

   If Apple really want to introduce something new and "innovative" they should just release a longer charger.

   Don't get confused between my personality & my attitude. My personality is who I am, my attitude depends on who you are.