Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Stupidity is the gateway drug to getting throat punched.

   Ok mother nature we beat the snow record now there's no need to run the score up!

   Beer: The method of turning grain into urine.

   My doctor said I need to do something that gets me out of the bar. So I've started smoking.

   Just when I think I'm over my insomnia, people in church start singing.

   Sorry I confused sexual tension with regular tension and got us both fired.

   We were so poor when I was a kid, the only reason our house stood was because the termites were holding hands!!

   "One, two, Freddy's comin' for you... Three, four, you'd better lock your door..." oh wait, wrong holiday!

   How different would the world be if Jimmy Buffett hated Margaritas?

   I'm white but not "always bets against Floyd Mayweather and lose my money" white.

   Don't eat glass. Trust me on this one

   Francis Bean is 21 years old. Sleep on that, universe.

   Instead of not giving a sh*t, working from home has allowed me to have a great conference call with Senior Management while taking a sh*t.

   What is Soy Milk is just regular milk introducing himself in Spanish?

   What is this, a gambling intervention? Who put you up to this? 10 to 1 it was mom!

   I have been going to the gym for 6 years now, still never gone in.

   Reality is for people who can't handle science fiction.

   Whats green and smells like bacon? Kermit's Finger!

   My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it's cause I'm afraid she might try to poison me.

   I think I've finally found someone I could spend the rest of my life with, I should probably get out of her closet and introduce myself.