Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   if she says 'ew' when you ask if you can have sex at least she didn't say no

   I spent so many years being wrong and not knowing it. Thankfully I got married so now I am fully aware that I have never, ever been right.

   some ppls FaceBook movies went straight to Dvd..

   Civilized people dont kill each other with gun's anymore.They kill each other by uploading vacation pictures on Facebook!.

   The secret of enjoying a good wine:1)Open the bottle to allow it to breathe.2)if it does not look like it's breathing give it mouth-to_mouth

   So when love comes knocking at your door answer it stark naked

   I’m so confused, I thought the Crip Walk was a marathon for gang members.

   Stupidity is the gateway drug to getting throat punched.

   Ok mother nature we beat the snow record now there's no need to run the score up!

   Beer: The method of turning grain into urine.

   My doctor said I need to do something that gets me out of the bar. So I've started smoking.

   Just when I think I'm over my insomnia, people in church start singing.

   Sorry I confused sexual tension with regular tension and got us both fired.

   We were so poor when I was a kid, the only reason our house stood was because the termites were holding hands!!

   "One, two, Freddy's comin' for you... Three, four, you'd better lock your door..." oh wait, wrong holiday!

   How different would the world be if Jimmy Buffett hated Margaritas?

   I'm white but not "always bets against Floyd Mayweather and lose my money" white.

   Don't eat glass. Trust me on this one

   Francis Bean is 21 years old. Sleep on that, universe.

   Instead of not giving a sh*t, working from home has allowed me to have a great conference call with Senior Management while taking a sh*t.