Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Time to start saying "Happy Holidays" to people so that there is no shortage of things to complain about on Facebook. It is the season of giving, and I'm a giver.

   NOTE: God only takes those He wants.... Justin Beiber and Miley Cyrus will be here FOREVER. For-ev-er.

   Being smart doesn't stop yolu from doing stupid things.

   I stopped wondering why I do the things I do a long time ago. Makes me feel dizzy.

   Thanks to Facebook and Twitter, we are now exposed and contaminated with dumb sh*t people just used to keep to themselves in their dumb heads.

   You ever think that just possibly these milk, bread and toilet paper companies are behind these overestimated, hysteria causing weather reports????

   Kanye West agreed to play Santa Claus under the condition that children had to ask him what he wanted for Christmas.

   You know it's over when you start closing the door again when you pee

   snow in Egypt in the dessert, Egyptian police report camel's slipping and sliding, Egyptian Utilities report all 25 customer's without power.

   Ugly people withholding sex until the last minute coz they know it’s the only ace in their deck of cards.

   Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got that restraining order.

   Talked to my ex yesterday for 10 minutes without beating the $ hit out of them. Where's my Nobel Peace Prize??

   The liquor store answers more questions than google.

   In a couple year I'm going to be one of those senior citizens that bites and urinates on people, I already do one of them....

   Cooking with cheese is so awesome, even when it's the only ingredient the recipe calls for.

   There are countless horrible things happening all over the world and horrible people prospering, but we must never allow them to disturb our equanimity or deflect us from our sacred duty to sabotage and annoy them whenever possible.

   Please do not mistake my civility for affection or sympathy- I am just as courteous when I shoot you between the eyes as when I tolerate smalltalk with you.

   My favorite thing about marriage is sharing a house with the person most likely to murder me.

   Why isn't there a "media bullying"?.....oh thats right, because the media bullies people *smacks forehead*

   If having a dog has taught me anything,,, It's how to eat steak very quickly... *No chewing needed