Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hello, it was great ignoring each other while I was here. We need to do this more often. . .

   Why do only 50 percent of women go to heaven?..........because if they all went, it would be hell.

   At least now I know the real reason why I've never been asked to play on a professional volleyball team...

   Sorry I keep forgetting you're not my therapist.

   I'm sorry for what I said before I had my coffee.

   When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.

   Women who request for a massage from a guy without a happy ending are delusional.

   However lonely you feel, you’re never alone… There are literally millions of bugs, mites, and bacteria living in your house.

   If I've learned anything from movies, it's that the fat kid always plays catcher.

   Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss you will be far away from me with your bullsh*t.

   If you wear pants in your own home why did you even buy a house

   “you look tired” is the politically correct way of saying “you look like crap”

   How much for the eternal loyalty & unconditional love? Ma'am that's a puppy

   I ordered myself an Eastern European bride online. SO EXCITED. Just received confirmation… My Czech is in the mail!

   Tomorrow is "Drag your ex behind your car to work day".

   Wife swapping?..... Count me in... Here she is, you're in the middle of a divorce.

   I left my phone at home all day today. Is the sky always blue like that?

   You sound happily in a relationship. UNFRIEND...BLOCK...UNFOLLOWED.

   No, the tear drop tattoo doesn't mean I killed someone. I just like people to know that I'm sad when I'm sober.

   The three basic rules to plumbing: 1. Hot goes on the left. 2. Cold goes on the right. 3. $h!t won't flow uphill.