Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think I am going to try the Pizza, Chicken Fingers and Little Debbie diet. That's all my daughter eats and not an ounce of fat on her.

   Your Honor, please direct the witness to answer the question. I'll ask it once again. Why are you hitting yourself?

   A dog is man's best friend. In some states, they're friends with benefits.

   It takes a real Phil Collins fan to name one of their children Sussudio. That child is destined to stutter.

   If I have to endure another day where Facebook doesn't work and is constantly disappointing me, I might have to start dating it.

   not say that my ex-wife is psychotic but Freddy Kruger asked me to hide the sleeping pills.

   going to be in a movie. I'm playing the man from Nantucket.

   It says something when you stay true to a dream even though that dream maybe out of sight.

   I love pulling in a random person's driveway when a cop is turning around to pull me over. Makes me feel like James Bond.

   Van Der Sloot is looking to get paid for media interviews. I'm confused. Why hasn't this guy been given a Peruvian death wedgie yet?

   All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

   Where would one apply to be a boob critic? I think I would do well at this.

   If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

   Don't hate me for being me, hate yourself for not being me!

   CNN reporting- Lebron James chose Kit-Kat over Snickers even though the snickers was said to be more satisfying...

   The girl is mine, Life's a b*tch so the whole world is mine.

   Trust me.. You DO NOT want to see how a Sausage Fest is Made!"

   cleaning out his medicine cabinet of expired prescriptions with a glass of water and several mystery pills at a time

   could never understand why the ghosts on the TV show "Ghost Whisperer" didn't take advantage of the fact they could sneak around and see Jennifer Love Hewitt naked.

   In the 1960's, people took acid to make the world weird... Now the world is Weird and people take Prozac to make it normal..