Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice!!

   I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my a$$.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M

   wonders if Vancouver city cab drivers are prepared for Chicago Blackhawk Patrick kane's arrival.

   i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me

   writing your phone number on the toilet wall

   I think I just gave her a mamogram

   watching his 401k descend like a drug addled hooker with vertigo.

   Remember when someone is annoying it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown but it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and slap the idiot!!

   listening to WPMS. They play three weeks of easy listening and one week of ragtime.

   drink wisely....DONT spill!

   I'm only gunna give you half of it," the back half."

   Seriously, dude in front of me at the register...digging in your pants for the last 2 minutes for change is making you look kinda creepy...

   Terrance & Phillip should've really done the "lighting of the torch" during the Winter Olympics back then.....too late now.

   you can't blame men for the forest depletion. As long as we are wearing clothes, we don't need napkins, think of the trees we have saved by getting greasy hands clean on our pants....

   yes I lost my virginity but at least I still have the box it came in!

   just saw a commercial for the Hogwarts place at universal... so down to take shrooms and go, who's down?

   After five minutes of forced conversation, I've just realized that this person sitting across from me is not, in fact, Tony Danza

   we don't choose who you fall in love with, we can only pray that thay fall in love with us too ♥

   has heard better comebacks from someone in a coma.

   My friend was too cheap to hire a proper butler. So he ended up with one with no left arm. Serves him right.