Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The heart is the center of the body but beats on the left. Maybe that's the reason the heart is not always right.

   Annoyed is just anger for whimps.

   Should I pick you up for breakfast? or just roll over and kiss you good morning?

   How do you stop a fish from smelling? Plug it's nose

   I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.

   ohh really? no blisters if I use this right?

   I triple-majored in college to give myself a range of options to explore and find career I'd love. Three working years later, I've narrowed down the options significantly: anything not involving those majors.

   Why do people ask, "Do you have a cell phone?" You might as well be asking them if I have a pulse.

   Trick or treat is not a game

   contemplating standing up from his desk, stripping down to his tighty whities whilst spontaneously yelling out "Frank the Tank" as he walks out the door...

   why don't they just make a James Bond Television Series? Because if you think about it, there's already enough movies to make one season."

   I'm building a fort in the living room with a sign that says "nobody else allowed" and I'm moving into it. Forever.

   killing 1 bird with 2 stones

   at Office Depot wearing a raincoat looking for a staple remover.

   I see a lite in the distance....could be a Miller Lite, I better go check it out!

   This girl has worse breath than my dog, and my dog can reach around and lick his own ass.

   peeing on your wall

   To the Gentlemen, I'm Miss Fortune. To the Ladies, I'm Sir Prize.

   Hi, it's me, Monday. I'm here to slap that silly grin off your stupid little pointed face.

   Everything I ever needed to know I learned by killing smart people and eating their brains.