Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "If Hillary had balls, I would lick them.mmm yummy" - Anderson Cooper

   I don't have a horse running in the Derby but my money is on Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez.

   Looks like facebook put itself in facebook jail

   If I sleep on my side, do the "ZZZZs" turn into "NNNNs" ?

   My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.

   Dr, Seuss is my favorite rapper! Cat - Hat....sheer genius!

   What's black, lies on the floor, "Will Always Love You" and has white stuff around it's nose? A border collie.

   Jeffery Dahmer's bologna really did have a first name.

   Flip a coin. Heads I get tail, tails I get head.

   Bible forbids men w/men but nothing about women w/women, proving the Old Testament has the same policy as Vivid Video.

   When are Victoria Secret catalogs going to be scratch n sniff?

   A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man

   when someone asks me "Hi, how r u?" my response is " High!! How r u?" they just don't seem to get it ;)

   If you're a dude writing *hides* or *crying* on your messages, I am going to assume you are the kind that like it in the butt.

   riding that train high on cocaine!

   not smarter than a 5th grader :(

   We now have proof that Osama Bin Laden is definitely dead! He showed up on the voter registry as a Democrat in Chicago.

   This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Biden speeches.

   Dear God, If you give us Freddie Mercury back, you can have Justin Beiber

   My girlfriend always complains that I don't take her anywhere expensive.. So I took her to the Gas Station.