Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Bible forbids men w/men but nothing about women w/women, proving the Old Testament has the same policy as Vivid Video.

   When are Victoria Secret catalogs going to be scratch n sniff?

   A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man

   when someone asks me "Hi, how r u?" my response is " High!! How r u?" they just don't seem to get it ;)

   If you're a dude writing *hides* or *crying* on your messages, I am going to assume you are the kind that like it in the butt.

   riding that train high on cocaine!

   not smarter than a 5th grader :(

   We now have proof that Osama Bin Laden is definitely dead! He showed up on the voter registry as a Democrat in Chicago.

   This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Biden speeches.

   Dear God, If you give us Freddie Mercury back, you can have Justin Beiber

   My girlfriend always complains that I don't take her anywhere expensive.. So I took her to the Gas Station.

   What do you do if you come across a tiger in the Jungle? Wipe it off and apologize.

   People posting... "Damn it's September already?" What TF you thought came after August?! August Jr?

   You know how to make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!!

   I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.

   First, Alaska brought us Sarah Palin. Now, "smoked salmon flavored vodka." Can we get a restraining order against them?

   when the smog clears in Los Angeles, UCLA...

   the Vatican is accused of laundering money?!? Next thing you know, you will be telling me they molest little boys too!

   One good thing about Alzheimer's is you get to meet new people every day.

   *holding my shirt* excuse miss, would you consider this boyfriend material?!?!