Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Trolls used to live under bridges...now they work for the DNC and are on the internet.

   Trump suggests soldiers suffering from PTSD aren't mentally strong.. But EVERYONE knows the true sign of mental strength, is faking bone spurs to avoid serving in Vietnam.

   3 blondes comes across some tracks. 1st blonde "Its deer tracks!" 2nd blonde "No! Dog tracks!" 3rd blonde "No! Its bear tracks!" They were still arguing when they were hit by a train.

   Payroll for 53 over-hyped players: $168 Million, Big a$$ stadium: $1.6 Billion, Getting the Superbowl to that stadium: $100 million Everybody knowing that you spent all that money and your team STILL sucks: Priceless : D

   How long does it take for an ejaculation to become mature?

   wants to personally apologize for those that couldn't get their gifts from Santa: He died of laughter when I told him I had been nice all year......

   Avanika Mote : What's with people wanting a "dislike" button on FB?? Guys, just don't click the "like" button on a post....Ain't that wayy simpler, much logical and less offensive?

   If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?

   The founder of 'Jews for Jesus' died today.. the funeral will be catered by 'Vegetarians for Meat'

   i love you till...............tom catches jerry n has him for dinner...... :P

   Suppose I should get a girlfriend. Yep, I'm almost out of cologne.

   hmmmm...... Thats weird, I dont remember eating corn last night?

   In my most recent survey,,, four out of five women talked crap about the fifth one whenever she was out of earshot.

   I LOVE putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They're so warm and cozy! I HATE when the lady in the laundromat tries to take them back! :(

   My wife is recovering in the hospital after someone mistook her for a wild boar and shot her. Easy mistake as she was eating an apple at the time.

   If you wear Hollister past seventh grade I'm just gonna assume you enjoy the taste of another man's schlong.

   I'm sorry I ran over your dog but in my defense I was texting! You're being awfully judgemental for a blind man

   God made you and me, then he whispered, "Meant to be''

   • the distance between any problem and the solution = the distance between your knees and the floor

   The end of every episode of "Man vs. Food" turns into "Man vs. Toilet."