Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Thank God I'm single..I don't have to pretend I give a damn about sports, cars, teenage girls in bikinis or his feelings.

   my sleep number is 80 proof

   Either I'm really drunk or you're really hot. The choice is yours.

   My Karma Ran Over Your Dogma

   Never marry a tennis player----love means nothing to them!

   You smell like you passed through the system of a 90 year old!

   you don't have to be the most handsome guy neither the richest to pick up girls....just be able to lick your eyebrow

   Hi ho! Hi ho! It's off to sleep I go. I'll crawl in bed and rest my head. Hi ho! Hi ho! Hi ho! Hi ho!

   What do the Argentina World Cup soccer team and BP have in common? A Messi!

   about as nutty as a squirrel's turd

   Let me solve this whole airline/volcano crisis.... first - load the planes. second - fly the freakin plane around the ash cloud! no problem!

   You have not truly experienced ALL of Gods blessings until you have been on both sides of giving and receiving.

   I often pick my dog's poop up with an empty Baby-Ruth wrapper... What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.

   Dear old love: I used to fantasize about you dying so that I could be single again. I'm so glad I decided to leave you instead of waiting for you to die.

   I'm more frustrated than a homosexual with tonsilitis on Valentine's Day!

   The fairies say I drank too much cough syrup but I don't believe in fairies so...... Wait

   Roses are brown, violets are brown, grass is brown...who took a sh!t in my yard!?

   Blonde texts me "What does IDK, IDC and GTG mean? " I respond "I don't know, I don't care, and Got to Go." She responds "FINE, but that's really rude!"

   One spelling mistake can destroy your life, A Husband sent this to his wife:I'm having a wonderful time wish you were her

   Sorry girls L.O.V.E dosn't stand for "legs open very easy"