Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   On "It starts tomorrow diet."

   Q: How do you know your house was robbed by a black guy? A: When your house is robbed

   Men are problem solvers, women are problem creators...

   Barack Obama, Merkel, Hollande...We have become a world full of pu$$ies

   I named my d!ck "Hopes" because I like to keep my hopes up.

   I can't eat Doritos anymore. That finger licking commercial was disgusting! Why is it still being aired?

   I often put laxatives in my dishwasher to help relax my bowls.

   Thank God I'm single..I don't have to pretend I give a damn about sports, cars, teenage girls in bikinis or his feelings.

   my sleep number is 80 proof

   Either I'm really drunk or you're really hot. The choice is yours.

   My Karma Ran Over Your Dogma

   Never marry a tennis player----love means nothing to them!

   You smell like you passed through the system of a 90 year old!

   you don't have to be the most handsome guy neither the richest to pick up girls....just be able to lick your eyebrow

   Let me solve this whole airline/volcano crisis.... first - load the planes. second - fly the freakin plane around the ash cloud! no problem!

   What do the Argentina World Cup soccer team and BP have in common? A Messi!

   about as nutty as a squirrel's turd

   Hi ho! Hi ho! It's off to sleep I go. I'll crawl in bed and rest my head. Hi ho! Hi ho! Hi ho! Hi ho!

   You have not truly experienced ALL of Gods blessings until you have been on both sides of giving and receiving.

   I often pick my dog's poop up with an empty Baby-Ruth wrapper... What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.