Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Either I'm really drunk or you're really hot. The choice is yours.

   My Karma Ran Over Your Dogma

   Never marry a tennis player----love means nothing to them!

   You smell like you passed through the system of a 90 year old!

   you don't have to be the most handsome guy neither the richest to pick up girls....just be able to lick your eyebrow

   Let me solve this whole airline/volcano crisis.... first - load the planes. second - fly the freakin plane around the ash cloud! no problem!

   What do the Argentina World Cup soccer team and BP have in common? A Messi!

   about as nutty as a squirrel's turd

   watching p0rn and eating doritos !

   You have not truly experienced ALL of Gods blessings until you have been on both sides of giving and receiving.

   Hi ho! Hi ho! It's off to sleep I go. I'll crawl in bed and rest my head. Hi ho! Hi ho! Hi ho! Hi ho!

   I often pick my dog's poop up with an empty Baby-Ruth wrapper... What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.

   Dear old love: I used to fantasize about you dying so that I could be single again. I'm so glad I decided to leave you instead of waiting for you to die.

   I'm more frustrated than a homosexual with tonsilitis on Valentine's Day!

   The fairies say I drank too much cough syrup but I don't believe in fairies so...... Wait

   Roses are brown, violets are brown, grass is brown...who took a sh!t in my yard!?

   Blonde texts me "What does IDK, IDC and GTG mean? " I respond "I don't know, I don't care, and Got to Go." She responds "FINE, but that's really rude!"

   One spelling mistake can destroy your life, A Husband sent this to his wife:I'm having a wonderful time wish you were her

   Sorry girls L.O.V.E dosn't stand for "legs open very easy"

   I heard on the news that a man was arrested for having sex with a picnic table. I hope he was wearing a condiment.