Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Girls adjust their bras in public all the time and no one says a thing. I adjust my b@lls once and everyone freaks out.

   Duct tape. Turning "No" into "mmmmmmffff" since 1871.

   *BREAKING** NASA CONFIRMS THAT PLUTO HAS A TINY VENUS..

   I don't know about you, but it's been a long week and I'm poped out.

   I hate snakes, mainly because they have no feet- you could say I am lack-toes intolerant...

   Heck .... Considering what we know now it is evident that Osama Bin Laden would probably still alive if he had donated to Hillary's Clinton Foundation .... Just sayin'

   “In America, anyone can become president” used to feel like more of a promise and less of a threat.

   markets will be back by April knucklehead below

   My wife watches cooking shows constantly, I don't get it because her cooking isn't any better. I'm sure she feels the same way about me and porn.

   ‎"im thankful the idiot with the gun was too drunk to aim "---living turkey

   "Is that a gun in your pocket or are you pleased to see me?" said my late wife.

   Dear Whoever decided when breakfast is over at McDonalds..... F$CK YOU!

   I just had a cup of coffee "So Bad",, that it actually played bass guitar for Nickleback........... Horrible coffee,,,Yuck,,Ptuuey..

   The one good thing about Monday morning, It's the farthest from next Monday you're going to be.

   My son is dyslexic and terrified about getting paid a visit from Satan in a few days

   If you don't cut your hair with a Flowbee, you are probably too high maintenance for me.

   If you don't like bacon, you should be on a government watch list.

   One day The Hunger Games will become reality... AND YOU'LL REGRET NOT READING THE BOOKS...

   Go down a water slide while it isn't wet and then you'll understand why foreplay is so important

   Don't be sad, don't be blue, Frankenstein was ugly too!