Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Fat women invented the Blind Date to trick men into having to give them a free meal.

   just when you think the royal wedding was the talk of the town ha! you know us americans must allways steal your shine. up yours england

   For every guy that's participating in, "No shave November", I just want to let you know that it will also be, "No pu$$y November" for you as well.

   I saw my Arab neighbor shaking a rug off his back porch. I called him out "Whatsamatter, Ahmed? It won't start?"

   To My Future Wife: When I die, I want you to mix my ashes in a bowl of chili, then eat it. Just so I can tear that ass up one more time.

   I was holding my girlfriend's hair as she was puking and she farted at the same time. We broke up because I couldn't stop laughing.

   Donald Trump's adult sons looks like 80's movie villains you'd have to beat in a ski contest to save a shopping mall for a gang of lovable misfits.

   I am so ready for Chrismas. To be over.

   Ever notice how the word "bed" looks like a bed?

   Girls adjust their bras in public all the time and no one says a thing. I adjust my b@lls once and everyone freaks out.

   Duct tape. Turning "No" into "mmmmmmffff" since 1871.

   *BREAKING** NASA CONFIRMS THAT PLUTO HAS A TINY VENUS..

   I don't know about you, but it's been a long week and I'm poped out.

   I hate snakes, mainly because they have no feet- you could say I am lack-toes intolerant...

   Heck .... Considering what we know now it is evident that Osama Bin Laden would probably still alive if he had donated to Hillary's Clinton Foundation .... Just sayin'

   “In America, anyone can become president” used to feel like more of a promise and less of a threat.

   markets will be back by April knucklehead below

   My wife watches cooking shows constantly, I don't get it because her cooking isn't any better. I'm sure she feels the same way about me and porn.

   ‎"im thankful the idiot with the gun was too drunk to aim "---living turkey

   "Is that a gun in your pocket or are you pleased to see me?" said my late wife.