Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I was just driving down the highway and I saw a guy just texting and not paying attention to the road! Can you believe that? I was so mad I almost dropped my beer

   Got pulled over after making a wrong turn at a donut shop... The cop walked up to the window and said, "Do you know why I pulled you over?" Without hesitation I responded; "(pointing to the box) Cause you can smell it"

   For some reason, girls don't like it when you grab their hair, make a whipping motion, and say 'mush.' Go figure.

   That red headed girl on American Idol got cut last night...what was HIS name again?

   Cheese is like a villain from a horror movie: Whatever you do to it only makes it stronger. Shred it? Better. Slice it? Better. Melt it? Perfection.

   I'm going to be staining the fence in our backyard today because that's what you do on vacation when you're awesome.

   It's called Facebook not Boobbook. So next time try to get your face in the picture too?

   maybe Lebron left his talents in South Beach.

   bankruptcy spelled with one "oh sh*t" or two?

   If a police officer stops you for speeding, ask the officer "than how did you catch up with me?"

   The Democrats finally came forward and ruined Chelsey Clinton's life with the news that Janet Reno is actually her father.

   Social Networking is like Judaism based religions. 1st was Myspace, difficult to understand and these days they think there"special." 2nd came facebook; full of Hypocrites and false dreams. Lastly came Twitter; rarely understood by many and hated by most

   planning a vacation and is leaning towards Pisa.

   was uncool before uncool was cool.

   you know its going to be a bad day when you get out of bad and you miss the floor..

   ate Humpty Dumpty for breakfast and ain't nothing that the King's men can do about it!

   If you are interested in paying higher taxes your an idiot, but if you feel really strongly about it, the US department of treasury actually accepts donations by credit card for all those idiots that want to give their money to the gov't

   Dear Physics, I don't want to solve your problems. I have my own thanks

   After Al Gore gets divorced, his wife will receive 40 percent of his ego, his ignorance, and the Internet.

   3:48 a.m. i'd like a double cheeseburger, and some fries ... 'sorry we only have breakfast'