Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ♫Just let your soooouuuuul glow baby, feeling oh so silky smooth. Just let it shine through yeah. Just let your soooouuuul glow oooo....(Soul glow) ♫

   feels like a playa... just eye-f**ked these hot twins for a solid 10 seconds and I don't even know their names.

   I was just driving down the highway and I saw a guy just texting and not paying attention to the road! Can you believe that? I was so mad I almost dropped my beer

   Got pulled over after making a wrong turn at a donut shop... The cop walked up to the window and said, "Do you know why I pulled you over?" Without hesitation I responded; "(pointing to the box) Cause you can smell it"

   For some reason, girls don't like it when you grab their hair, make a whipping motion, and say 'mush.' Go figure.

   That red headed girl on American Idol got cut last night...what was HIS name again?

   Cheese is like a villain from a horror movie: Whatever you do to it only makes it stronger. Shred it? Better. Slice it? Better. Melt it? Perfection.

   I'm going to be staining the fence in our backyard today because that's what you do on vacation when you're awesome.

   It's called Facebook not Boobbook. So next time try to get your face in the picture too?

   maybe Lebron left his talents in South Beach.

   If you are interested in paying higher taxes your an idiot, but if you feel really strongly about it, the US department of treasury actually accepts donations by credit card for all those idiots that want to give their money to the gov't

   Dear Physics, I don't want to solve your problems. I have my own thanks

   After Al Gore gets divorced, his wife will receive 40 percent of his ego, his ignorance, and the Internet.

   rejects your reality and substitute my own.

   3:48 a.m. i'd like a double cheeseburger, and some fries ... 'sorry we only have breakfast'

   An hour and 11 minutes after midnight tonite is 1-1-11 @1:11AM. A memorable time to text and express love to your 1 & only :D

   The AVN Awards (adult videos) is being held this Sunday in Las Vegas, NV; though it's a hard time for the movie industry, there no losers just wieners.

   how come when I fart you say eww but when you fart, its ok

   Just did my own personal training session w a CrossFit trainer. Rowed 500m, 40 air squats, 30 full sit-ups, 20 push-ups, 10 overhand pull-ups. 5min 23 seconds. Then crawled to the bathroom to dryheave.

   bankruptcy spelled with one "oh sh*t" or two?