Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Zimmerman about to be walking out in the streets in an Iron Man suit.

   people that say " I hate to break it to you" can't wait to break it to you!

   I wonder if somebody ever got "Catfished" through Christian Mingle?

   I am about to go where no man has gone before.... do you guys need anything from my lesbian friend's house?

   Word Problem: If Scott has 2 bananas for lunch and a dollar seventy nine in change, how likely is it he'll go get an order of onion rings?

   "You're the Garbage Man, eh? What's your super power?". "Umm, I'm just here to take out the trash."."Whoa there slappy, we'll get to your catch phrase later."

   My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?

   One man’s trash is another man’s daughter.

   This wine tastes like I don't really want a job.

   I was walking down the street and saw a ugly pregnant lady and I though ... Good for you !

   I-knew-you-were trouble when you logged in. So shame on me now-Inviting me to games I-would-never-playyy...Til you pissed me off-Ohh!! , Ohh!! Trouble, Trouble. I knew you were Blocked when you logged in.

   I'm so high I could eat a cloud.

   Our country is broke and overweight. Yet we still pay $$ to power up escalators? Makes sense.

   The American Pickers just found an ancient Bible hand signed by the apostle Paul. They talked the guy down to thirty bucks .

   A good head on HIS shoulders will open doors. Great head on HER knees will open every single door.

   After Labor Day, it's no longer fashionable to wear white, so I'm spending today in a $12,000 Vera Wang Wedding Gown.

   All these great deals we were promised must be happening on days that I am not watching the news.

   When Trump said he'd "Give every American a Job" I didn't realise there's was just one job & they'd all get a turn. #mooch

   YoutubeTV, we will settle for $15 credit, instead of $20. BUT you must take CNN with you.

   My girlfriend says she 'feels pregnant' and I am now feeling sick.