Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hey girl, how about you dont tell me how much beer I should drink, and I wont tell you how much makeup you should wear.

   Real men should never say, "hehehe", it's "hahaha" or you shut up!

   Diamonds for sale....$50 million shipment just in.

   Let's be Sonny & Cher....I'll get old and show everyone my a$$, and you can ski into a tree and die.

   exercising their right to vote is as close as most Americans get to exercising

   The Bears are the #1 team in the NFL!! Wait, sorry, I was using Electoral College logic...

   People say Alcohol kills too many people. They don't realize how's my people are born because of it.

   Kanye West calls Thanksgiving You're Welcome Day.

   I remember yesterday like it was......................what is today's date again?

   Zimmerman about to be walking out in the streets in an Iron Man suit.

   people that say " I hate to break it to you" can't wait to break it to you!

   I wonder if somebody ever got "Catfished" through Christian Mingle?

   I am about to go where no man has gone before.... do you guys need anything from my lesbian friend's house?

   Word Problem: If Scott has 2 bananas for lunch and a dollar seventy nine in change, how likely is it he'll go get an order of onion rings?

   "You're the Garbage Man, eh? What's your super power?". "Umm, I'm just here to take out the trash."."Whoa there slappy, we'll get to your catch phrase later."

   My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?

   One man’s trash is another man’s daughter.

   This wine tastes like I don't really want a job.

   I was walking down the street and saw a ugly pregnant lady and I though ... Good for you !

   I-knew-you-were trouble when you logged in. So shame on me now-Inviting me to games I-would-never-playyy...Til you pissed me off-Ohh!! , Ohh!! Trouble, Trouble. I knew you were Blocked when you logged in.